Before I start, this post is entirely based on my personal observations of myself and the people I am surrounded by. I promise to try to keep it as objective as I can, and not be too gushy. :) I am not a psychologist, and don't really have an insight into people's minds, but as a blogger, I think I am allowed to have a keen eye for the things I write about, just so that I can express my thoughts more fully.
I have observed that different people experience attraction differently, although, there tends to be an observable pattern in some types of attraction. Growing up, all of us may have experienced the different types, and there's no shame in admitting it. It is this that I thought I'd interest you with - if you like reading about this sort of thing, that is.
Infatuation
Probably the first type of attraction most of us experience, usually towards someone we perceive as wonderful in every aspect, just because some very small part of their personality, or most often, good looks, impresses us. I think we all have had a crush on the best looking boy/girl in class, or some Disney character or someone we "fan girl"over.
Countless hours of daydreaming and building castles in the air go by until one day, you meet this person and see that all those daydreams were in fact, baseless, and no, this person wasn't perfect, and, no, this person did not adore you.
Most of the time, this ends badly, as you realize that this person is...er...well, not so perfect.
Lust
Let's all collectively take a deep breath and admit that we've all been there, at least once in our lives. We're all human, and no - we're not immune to Hugh Jackman's rugged good looks.
In the interest of remaining candid, I haven't hidden this phase, or tucked it in at the end, as an afterthought, especially, because, this makes most of our adolescent/young adult lives, stretching well into our adult lives as well.
This also, is a short-lived attraction, because it's superficial, and guys and girls alike, end up dating people they possibly would never want to be reminded of, just based on 'that sweet rack' or 'that chiseled jaw' or something like that.
One night stands, friends with benefits, office romances, extra-marital affairs, yada, yada, yada. You wouldn't want to keep a list of these things, or even remember it on a good day - unless you're Barney Stinson, that is.
I think, as adults, we learn to manage these feelings, or maybe channel them. We understand the effects of harbouring lustful thoughts and we just know not to allow our minds to wander into the 'lustapalooza' waiting to happen when we meet someone who may be our 'type'.
I think any self-respecting adult would at least try not to let themselves stray into lustapalooza just because of all the unrequited feelings involved, not to mention, the perviness involved in picturing a random coworker in a bow-chika-wow-wow situation. I don't think it's possible to keep the perviness locked away for too long - let yourself indulge in them too often, and the next thing you know, you'll be up to your eyeballs in restraining orders - if you're lucky.
Also, as with most vices, your needs/wants escalate with an increased level of indulgence.
Attraction at an Event/Cause/Activity
Maybe weird, but I have often seen people connect for a short period of time because they share just one thing in common. Summer romances, for instance, or when we go to camps and other events where we meet people. Me personally, I don't get it, but I have seen this happen several times, and while they are in that situation, these couples do seem very happy. Probably raging hormones, and people being in the presence of people they know they will never meet again, probably gives them the freedom to experiment with their flirtations, because they feel like there may be no consequences - at the end of the month/week, they say bye and go their separate ways, just with a story of the summer romance that will be the topic of conversation for months, maybe even years after.
This seems to happen more commonly among tweens and young adults; but it also does happen with some adults. Hence the term 'extra-marital affair'.
A Frelationship
This is also a very common occurrence, and could have happened to nearly everyone. This happens when you have a friend of the opposite sex. There are some friends you feel fortunate to have met, because, as friends, you make a wonderful team. It's easy, comforting, and their presence often feels like a warm embrace, and in your mind, you look at them, and for a moment, think - "what's not to like?"
When you first think it, you feel like kicking yourself for thinking that, but then the idea sticks, and grows on you, feeling less scandalous by the minute. Then more time passes when you try to understand what this other person would think if you voiced your thoughts. What was once easy becomes complicated. When you finally muster up the courage to tell this other person what's on your mind, that person doesn't feel it. Or even worse - they do.
If you're old enough to be aware of where this is heading, or if, by the luck of the draw, things work out, the relationship has a chance of taking off and being a wonderful relationship. If not, it is worse when they reciprocate your feelings because the relationship will crash and burn when it runs into trouble, and you not only lose your relationship, but also a trusted friend.
What also seems to happen is when the sentiment is not voiced, but they are in what I call a "frelationship", where they fool no one but themselves in saying that they are "just friends".
Intellectual Compatibility
Not sure what you think, but this is most certainly me. I have experienced the other kinds of attraction, but what truly makes me go weak in the knees is intelligence and a certain maturity and thoughtfulness that comes with being introspective, perceptive and sensible. I like a person who is deep and able to remain in the world, but not of it. A person who knows himself well enough to be able to be his own person. This kind of a person will not just possess academic intelligence, but an emotional intelligence they are often not really aware of.
I think, in an ideal world, we would all meet people who are at an equal wavelength to us, and, this fosters an ability to relate, leading to trust, respect, loyalty and a strong friendship, and maybe it's because this is what I relate to the most, I think it's reliable and the best kind of attraction.
My reason for making that statement - this is not a shallow or short-lived connection. You know each other on intellectual, emotional, spiritual and psychological levels. This often leads to being relaxed around each other, knowing that there is no need to put on an act to keep the other interested in you. It often lasts because you understand your partner on various levels, and are aware of, or will be aware of their flaws and then, if you think you can love the person, you will stay together, if not, you will tend to move on. Although the process of 'falling in love' seems to be an unconscious process, knowing a person well enough to know if you should be in a relationship or just be friends appears to be a great way to decide on what must be done with the feelings you have for each other. Of course you don't flip a switch, but deciding earlier on would save you the hurt you would feel if you amble into a relationship you don't understand. Oddly, I recall Jon Snow when I say this. He really did know nothing.
If you stay in each others' lives, chances are, you will have an excellent channel of communication and a deeper understanding of each other, leading to a fulfilling relationship, possibly leading to much stronger marital bonds, when it does end in marriage.
Love - dare I say it?
I just did. After all, it is what vexes most people, right?
In one way or the other, we all experience love. When you do fall in love, you know that it is going to involve overwhelming joy, but not everyone realizes that this also means that you can experience strong, negative emotions like jealousy, pain, anger, disappointment and resentment at an almost equal level.
When I say this, I don't mean that the negative emotions only happen once the relationship has ended. Maintaining a relationship is hard work - even more so than the work that goes into flirtation, and in wooing each other. It is after all, the singular dream of two individuals, trying to keep being individuals while remaining a couple. More than most other things in the world, relationships/marriages are a careful, balancing act. Both partners need to feel respected, cherished, loved and supported. Both partners need to know that their needs (physical, emotional, spiritual) are being met. This balance is what leads to contentment. Get it wrong, and there will be hell to pay.
In my opinion, it is both, unfair and unrealistic to expect your partner to change completely, to suit your needs, although, by being in a relationship, you do tend to influence each other, and there will be some form of change. I suppose the idea is not to expect it, but to continue communicating, and keep an open mind to accept the changes that do happen. Of course I do not mean that abuse of any kind should be tolerated, but a marriage and/or a relationship most definitely will involve some form of compromise, and fighting it is not going to make it any easier.
Compromise should be more of an informed decision, than a stab in the dark. When you are with a person with whom there is an open channel of communication, compromises become easy, and a positive experience, especially when you are aware that the other person is also compromising for you. However, when there is no communication, there is a lot of strain, and the less aggressive partner gives in, until they cannot compromise anymore. The less aggressive partner loses his/her individuality, is resentful and tends to feel trapped, lost and powerless. A powerless person becomes difficult to live with, and this situation, in itself, will lead to a further strain on the already fraying threads that connect the two partners.
The way I see it, unless there is a history of some sort (troubled childhood/some form of trauma), oftentimes, a troubled partner is often troubled because of something the other partner did or didn't do. There is always a gap that goes unnoticed. In the previous example, the powerless partner may have been happy and healthy if there had been good communication between him/her and his/her spouse. Negligence of any kind may seem easy at the time, but it will come back to bite you if you do it for long enough, and often enough, because it is a situation that needs your attention. Ignore it, and it will get worse, because it will build up and morph into an ugly beast of a problem. On the other hand, if you give your partner the time and effort, you will usually find that there will be an efficient system in place to deal with any problems that may arise, as they come.
Love is fulfilling and joyous, if both partners are willing to function as a team, and respect the needs of the other while being aware and genuinely appreciative of each others' efforts. I don't think there is any such thing as 'a perfect love' between humans, as all of us have our flaws. On a very human level, we need to be aware of this, and be willing to meet each other halfway, because, the other person is also a person with needs, like us, and each of us have our idiosyncrasies that the other partner is tolerating/embracing (hopefully). As simple as it seems, I think most people forget this and are quick to criticize.
As far as attraction goes, it is a beautiful dance of verbal and non-verbal cues, the ebb and flow of emotion, as it is predominantly an emotional process.. Everyone has experienced some forms of attraction in their lives - some more than others, but there is the deep need for human connection in our lives, and we all have it. As a person who has been fortunate to travel, and meet a large number of people, understanding and acknowledging the various types/stages of attraction gives me the perspective to understand my feelings for the random person that actually does catch my eye. Nine hundred and ninety nine times out of a thousand, the feelings are benign, and hold no real significance, but occasionally, all the other 999 people I had tiny crushes on seem to pale in comparison to the thousandth person I meet.
I have observed that different people experience attraction differently, although, there tends to be an observable pattern in some types of attraction. Growing up, all of us may have experienced the different types, and there's no shame in admitting it. It is this that I thought I'd interest you with - if you like reading about this sort of thing, that is.
Infatuation
Probably the first type of attraction most of us experience, usually towards someone we perceive as wonderful in every aspect, just because some very small part of their personality, or most often, good looks, impresses us. I think we all have had a crush on the best looking boy/girl in class, or some Disney character or someone we "fan girl"over.
Countless hours of daydreaming and building castles in the air go by until one day, you meet this person and see that all those daydreams were in fact, baseless, and no, this person wasn't perfect, and, no, this person did not adore you.
Most of the time, this ends badly, as you realize that this person is...er...well, not so perfect.
Lust
Let's all collectively take a deep breath and admit that we've all been there, at least once in our lives. We're all human, and no - we're not immune to Hugh Jackman's rugged good looks.
In the interest of remaining candid, I haven't hidden this phase, or tucked it in at the end, as an afterthought, especially, because, this makes most of our adolescent/young adult lives, stretching well into our adult lives as well.
This also, is a short-lived attraction, because it's superficial, and guys and girls alike, end up dating people they possibly would never want to be reminded of, just based on 'that sweet rack' or 'that chiseled jaw' or something like that.
One night stands, friends with benefits, office romances, extra-marital affairs, yada, yada, yada. You wouldn't want to keep a list of these things, or even remember it on a good day - unless you're Barney Stinson, that is.
I think, as adults, we learn to manage these feelings, or maybe channel them. We understand the effects of harbouring lustful thoughts and we just know not to allow our minds to wander into the 'lustapalooza' waiting to happen when we meet someone who may be our 'type'.
I think any self-respecting adult would at least try not to let themselves stray into lustapalooza just because of all the unrequited feelings involved, not to mention, the perviness involved in picturing a random coworker in a bow-chika-wow-wow situation. I don't think it's possible to keep the perviness locked away for too long - let yourself indulge in them too often, and the next thing you know, you'll be up to your eyeballs in restraining orders - if you're lucky.
Also, as with most vices, your needs/wants escalate with an increased level of indulgence.
Attraction at an Event/Cause/Activity
Maybe weird, but I have often seen people connect for a short period of time because they share just one thing in common. Summer romances, for instance, or when we go to camps and other events where we meet people. Me personally, I don't get it, but I have seen this happen several times, and while they are in that situation, these couples do seem very happy. Probably raging hormones, and people being in the presence of people they know they will never meet again, probably gives them the freedom to experiment with their flirtations, because they feel like there may be no consequences - at the end of the month/week, they say bye and go their separate ways, just with a story of the summer romance that will be the topic of conversation for months, maybe even years after.
This seems to happen more commonly among tweens and young adults; but it also does happen with some adults. Hence the term 'extra-marital affair'.
A Frelationship
This is also a very common occurrence, and could have happened to nearly everyone. This happens when you have a friend of the opposite sex. There are some friends you feel fortunate to have met, because, as friends, you make a wonderful team. It's easy, comforting, and their presence often feels like a warm embrace, and in your mind, you look at them, and for a moment, think - "what's not to like?"
When you first think it, you feel like kicking yourself for thinking that, but then the idea sticks, and grows on you, feeling less scandalous by the minute. Then more time passes when you try to understand what this other person would think if you voiced your thoughts. What was once easy becomes complicated. When you finally muster up the courage to tell this other person what's on your mind, that person doesn't feel it. Or even worse - they do.
If you're old enough to be aware of where this is heading, or if, by the luck of the draw, things work out, the relationship has a chance of taking off and being a wonderful relationship. If not, it is worse when they reciprocate your feelings because the relationship will crash and burn when it runs into trouble, and you not only lose your relationship, but also a trusted friend.
What also seems to happen is when the sentiment is not voiced, but they are in what I call a "frelationship", where they fool no one but themselves in saying that they are "just friends".
Intellectual Compatibility
Not sure what you think, but this is most certainly me. I have experienced the other kinds of attraction, but what truly makes me go weak in the knees is intelligence and a certain maturity and thoughtfulness that comes with being introspective, perceptive and sensible. I like a person who is deep and able to remain in the world, but not of it. A person who knows himself well enough to be able to be his own person. This kind of a person will not just possess academic intelligence, but an emotional intelligence they are often not really aware of.
I think, in an ideal world, we would all meet people who are at an equal wavelength to us, and, this fosters an ability to relate, leading to trust, respect, loyalty and a strong friendship, and maybe it's because this is what I relate to the most, I think it's reliable and the best kind of attraction.
My reason for making that statement - this is not a shallow or short-lived connection. You know each other on intellectual, emotional, spiritual and psychological levels. This often leads to being relaxed around each other, knowing that there is no need to put on an act to keep the other interested in you. It often lasts because you understand your partner on various levels, and are aware of, or will be aware of their flaws and then, if you think you can love the person, you will stay together, if not, you will tend to move on. Although the process of 'falling in love' seems to be an unconscious process, knowing a person well enough to know if you should be in a relationship or just be friends appears to be a great way to decide on what must be done with the feelings you have for each other. Of course you don't flip a switch, but deciding earlier on would save you the hurt you would feel if you amble into a relationship you don't understand. Oddly, I recall Jon Snow when I say this. He really did know nothing.
If you stay in each others' lives, chances are, you will have an excellent channel of communication and a deeper understanding of each other, leading to a fulfilling relationship, possibly leading to much stronger marital bonds, when it does end in marriage.
Love - dare I say it?
I just did. After all, it is what vexes most people, right?
In one way or the other, we all experience love. When you do fall in love, you know that it is going to involve overwhelming joy, but not everyone realizes that this also means that you can experience strong, negative emotions like jealousy, pain, anger, disappointment and resentment at an almost equal level.
When I say this, I don't mean that the negative emotions only happen once the relationship has ended. Maintaining a relationship is hard work - even more so than the work that goes into flirtation, and in wooing each other. It is after all, the singular dream of two individuals, trying to keep being individuals while remaining a couple. More than most other things in the world, relationships/marriages are a careful, balancing act. Both partners need to feel respected, cherished, loved and supported. Both partners need to know that their needs (physical, emotional, spiritual) are being met. This balance is what leads to contentment. Get it wrong, and there will be hell to pay.
In my opinion, it is both, unfair and unrealistic to expect your partner to change completely, to suit your needs, although, by being in a relationship, you do tend to influence each other, and there will be some form of change. I suppose the idea is not to expect it, but to continue communicating, and keep an open mind to accept the changes that do happen. Of course I do not mean that abuse of any kind should be tolerated, but a marriage and/or a relationship most definitely will involve some form of compromise, and fighting it is not going to make it any easier.
Compromise should be more of an informed decision, than a stab in the dark. When you are with a person with whom there is an open channel of communication, compromises become easy, and a positive experience, especially when you are aware that the other person is also compromising for you. However, when there is no communication, there is a lot of strain, and the less aggressive partner gives in, until they cannot compromise anymore. The less aggressive partner loses his/her individuality, is resentful and tends to feel trapped, lost and powerless. A powerless person becomes difficult to live with, and this situation, in itself, will lead to a further strain on the already fraying threads that connect the two partners.
The way I see it, unless there is a history of some sort (troubled childhood/some form of trauma), oftentimes, a troubled partner is often troubled because of something the other partner did or didn't do. There is always a gap that goes unnoticed. In the previous example, the powerless partner may have been happy and healthy if there had been good communication between him/her and his/her spouse. Negligence of any kind may seem easy at the time, but it will come back to bite you if you do it for long enough, and often enough, because it is a situation that needs your attention. Ignore it, and it will get worse, because it will build up and morph into an ugly beast of a problem. On the other hand, if you give your partner the time and effort, you will usually find that there will be an efficient system in place to deal with any problems that may arise, as they come.
Love is fulfilling and joyous, if both partners are willing to function as a team, and respect the needs of the other while being aware and genuinely appreciative of each others' efforts. I don't think there is any such thing as 'a perfect love' between humans, as all of us have our flaws. On a very human level, we need to be aware of this, and be willing to meet each other halfway, because, the other person is also a person with needs, like us, and each of us have our idiosyncrasies that the other partner is tolerating/embracing (hopefully). As simple as it seems, I think most people forget this and are quick to criticize.
As far as attraction goes, it is a beautiful dance of verbal and non-verbal cues, the ebb and flow of emotion, as it is predominantly an emotional process.. Everyone has experienced some forms of attraction in their lives - some more than others, but there is the deep need for human connection in our lives, and we all have it. As a person who has been fortunate to travel, and meet a large number of people, understanding and acknowledging the various types/stages of attraction gives me the perspective to understand my feelings for the random person that actually does catch my eye. Nine hundred and ninety nine times out of a thousand, the feelings are benign, and hold no real significance, but occasionally, all the other 999 people I had tiny crushes on seem to pale in comparison to the thousandth person I meet.
