21st December (the year I was about to turn 21)
I had just dragged myself out of a nasty fling that left me vulnerable, down and broken. I was excited as my parents had finally agreed to gift me the phone I had wanted in so long, for my birthday. I was also enthusiastic on building my career, and since I didn't know how else to do it back then, I just signed into one of the holiday-training-projects. I remember how skeptical I was about going into a new place - of literally stepping out of my comfort zone. It was something I felt I could avoid, but I decided to go anyway as it sounded very helpful. It was only for a week, anyway.
22nd December
I joined. I was a little worried, but since a friend had signed in too, I felt okay - not as nervous as I should have felt. The day went on, and I met 2 guys in particular, among other people. One who kept staring at me, undressing me with his eyes(exactly...EW!), and the other one, whose smile could light up a room.
There were a number of other people in attendance, but I need to get on with my story, so let me just sum it up, saying that I made friends with a group of friends from a different college, people I felt comfortable with, even though I just met them. There were others too. It was actually a small lab, with a very good reputation - so there were lots of people doing their training for varying periods of time.
23rd December
The second guy finally got introduced to me. We were working on the same group that day. He was there for his MSc final year project, and I was academically ad chronologically 4 years his junior, but the experiment we were doing that day was for everyone in our groups. So the sparks started right then, by way of looks and smiles and random small talk that could probably amount to nothing. His smile kept dazzling me each time - it was radiant, beautiful and so angelic - there wasn't much I could do to stop myself. Besides, he just caught me with that look or smile when I least expected it.
24th, 25th, 26th and 27th December:
I noticed that he was being particularly friendly to a female classmate(of his - they had come in a group), and assumed that they could be dating. "Sad story", I would tell my friends with an exaggerated sigh. They would all laugh at my expression, even though they knew how fascinated I was with this guy. I was decidedly aloof with him at the beginning, keeping to the norm of not appearing overly interested or enthusiastic. I later came to know that he had named me "Melbourne girl", from overhearing a conversation I was having with my friends, discussing where we wanted to go for our further studies. It was my friend who suggested Melbourne when I said "Sydney"(caz that's where my uncle lives), but he still gave me that name, and had somehow been noticing me in the same way. His friends had apparently kept teasing him with that name all the while when I had been going "Sad story" with the exaggerated sigh.
28th December
On our lunch break, the timing of which differed for different groups, we coincidentally ran into each other. Small talk developed into a conversation, the kind of charged conversation I still love, and reminisce..the kind of conversation I haven't had with anyone else. Conversation between us is always charged, quick and we connect very well, especially on an intellectual and spiritual level. Most of the time, we would just understand the meaning and context of each others' statements and confessions. There was just no need for explanation. Now, for a person like me, that felt magical.
While we were talking, I mentioned "girlfriend", and he was like - "Who?" and when I said her name, he laughed that knowing laugh, and said - "We're good friends, but she has her boyfriend. He would kill me if he heard you."
In my defense, she was a beautiful girl, and he was being more friendly to her.
Anyway, that didn't matter - I literally jumped for joy when he was out of earshot.
29th, 30th December
My last day there. I wound up my experiments, wrote down any observations I might need, and was saying my goodbyes to my friends, taking contact info and phone numbers. I was saving the best for last, quite literally - because I honestly had expectations, but I just didn't know how or what. It was like the end of a particularly fun summer vacation, where all the holiday's flirtations would be forgotten, and only remembered as fun times.
Totally expecting the goodbye to be a formal one, I stopped him as he was leaving for lunch and told him that I'm flying out in a few days, to where my parents live. He totally surprised me that time, and literally grabbed my phone and punched in much more detail than I could've hoped for. Yeah, now that's the kinda guy I look for. Forward, straight, and to the point. He seemed to really want to know me, in the not-so-creepy way.
That evening, I met a few friends and went shopping - oh yeah. It was fun, as usual. As I was getting into my room, before I could even think of anything else, I got a text message. It was him, and it was a message that was supposed to be a joke in the local language that I had expertly avoided learning. We bantered for a while over it, and then, the conversation got interesting. He started talking about himself, and I wasn't used to the kind of flirting he was doing. He was so honest, upfront, and all his cards were on the table. He told me of his likes and dislikes, what angered him, and what he craved. He spoke of beauty in small things, appreciated, flirted, analyzed and explained. His jokes were hilarious, and he had a special way about the way he did things that I just could not resist.
Before I met him, all the guys I had even bantered flirtatiously with were of my age, so there were no actual ideas discussed. It was just shallow, light-hearted banter that literally amounted to nothing. There was no challenge in those conversations. In this guy's (I'm gonna name him Zeus) conversations, there was so much to look forward to, so much to share, so much to enjoy and so much care. What started off as extra friendly discussions went on to becoming verbal swordplay of sorts, and the conversation, although heavily flirtatious, and implied a lot, was maintained within the confines of decency, which spoke volumes of the guy's character.
He was romantic, respectful and persuasive while not being tacky, masochistic or opinionated. He had this slightly rakish tinge to his character, that evened out the more severe, straight edges, making him reliable, deliciously masculine, warm and sweet.
As a person who is hesitant to open up and spill the contents of my mind, especially with strangers, I kept questioning him, asking about his intentions. He patiently answered every question I came up with, even in later months. I just couldn't understand why a random stranger would be so nice to me. After meeting guys of my age, it felt significantly different to be courted by a man. It felt easy, natural and much simpler.
This guy also seemed well rounded and well grounded, so there was a lot of comfort and ease in our conversation, which actually was the kind of conversation I continue to love - it threaded its way through a variety of topics, ideas, opinions and places and then, got back to us. The guy was self-assured, confident, intelligent, mature and strong. He respected me, and his attention gave me value and space - the kind of space one needs to be herself. There was no lying with him, no pretending - he encouraged me to be myself, and loved it when I made an honest statement/opinion.
Most of that was what I found in the months later, when I chatted endlessly with him. There is a reason why I included it right here - I had all these feelings for him right from the moment I met him. I have no idea why I trusted him right from that moment, but I did. I could not understand why that was, and I hated how he could make me just tell him all about me just as effortlessly as he told me his story. I never regretted it. He listened to everything I said, suggested good ways to tackle difficult situations, taking extra care to not impose. Best of all, he could make me smile a genuine smile from a happy place deep within, even on my worst day.
31st December
I missed my flight. I was supposed to check my tickets before I flew out, but it was an honest mistake. I had connecting flights, and my tickets were booked wrong. The first flight was booked later, and was booked for the evening of the 31st December, where my connecting flight was at 1 am on the same day. It was the first time I had ever been in that kind of a situation, and so, I was understandably terrified. With no balance on my phone, I felt stranded. He continued to message me words of comfort while I spoke to the manager to try to sort it out. After much discussion, I was put on the same flight that was leaving at 1 am on New Years' Day, and the last thing I saw before I switched off my mobile was the message from him, saying "You must be on the flight now. Have a safe journey and please let me know when you've landed."
I was touched that a guy I met a few days ago really cared what happened to me. He also seemed to know exactly what to say to not sound corny or cheap - he was being incredibly gallant and charming, in fact.
The next one month:
These were days I would gladly die a hundred deaths to re-live. They were the most beautiful days of my entire life (so far, at least). I was treated the way a lady should be treated. Not a girl, not a woman, but a lady. I felt new, and incredibly special, and I literally blossomed. I was getting complimented more frequently, and everyone was going on about how beautiful I was getting. He found a way to keep in touch with me, constantly. He was the first person I actually felt like reporting the proceedings of every moment, everyday, complete with my feelings and opinions and thoughts.
He was soon becoming my walking, talking diary. When I was making my deepest, darkest confessions to him, he would give me the feeling of coming home after a long day of walking miles in the cold rain - the feeling you get once you've had a warm shower and put your feet up, on soft cushions - that warm, fuzzy, cozy feeling of being safe and warm, and drifting off into peaceful oblivion, without a worry in the world. That is what loving this man felt like to me. It filled me with peace, joy and safety like I'd never felt before. He made me forget about the approval of everyone else, and made me feel important.
Naturally, the love I had for him was filled not only with respect, but also adoration for his ability to be mischievous and endearingly impish in one moment, and then mature and so dependable in the next. He was so full of surprises, and he pulled out every good thing in me, and encouraged me to polish it and work on it.
He would constantly be online, waiting for me to come, and never made me wait for anything. In fact, in the beginning, I have been frequently late, just because I was a little unsure of what was exactly happening. Besides, I was on holiday with my parents, so there is only so much time and so many excuses you can make for suddenly being online the whole day....AND for staying awake way past bedtime. We would start saying Good night at 3 am, and then finally go to sleep at 5.30 am. Yeah, exactly.
Hours used to fly by without us even knowing it, and no matter how much we talked, it looked like we still had so much more to say to each other, and I would keep looking at the clock, counting the seconds to be back with him again. Every moment we spent together was beautiful. I was literally in a different world, where absolutely nothing else seemed to matter. Everything felt better once I had discussed it with him. He was literally the one I ran to, long after I stopped running to my parents. As a person who has lived on my own for a very long time now, I realize that he's the only one I trusted enough to ask for his opinion and gladly take directions from him. There have been times much later, when I think "how would he have handled this?" and my answer never let me down.
I would take my worries and confusions to him, and he would explain, like to a child, and make me feel safe and protected, and whatever he said, it was true, while being the best way to handle life and that particular circumstance. It was more of an attitude than actual directions that he was putting into me.Unknowingly, he was really setting me free. He gave me conviction, took away any fear I had to be myself, and stressed over and over again that I must never lose my individuality.
Growing up in a community where others' opinions were considered a bit too seriously, I had nearly lost myself - so, his outlook was a truly welcome change. He taught me the right way to look at life, to be extremely honest, sensible and to really have faith in God. He taught me the meaning of true independence, and added much more importance to self-respect. Associating with him taught the then very childish 'me', the importance of responsibility, loyalty, assertiveness, reliability, honesty and basically, to have the courage to do the right thing in any situation. He taught me many more things than I could count, in fact, and a few things, I can't explain - it is a feeling, an attitude about something. He also taught me to be passionate and enthusiastic about life, to keep going no matter what. This attitude worked wonders on my life thereon, especially because I was born naive and raised a cynic.
January 28th, 29th:
I got back. He wanted to meet me. I wasn't sure if I should. I was definitely nervous because I was worried that what felt perfect online, on the phone and through text messaging wouldn't feel as perfect in reality. Since he really insisted, I went to meet him anyway. And it was magical. I loved his choice of perfume, as we sat at a park, talking. His voice, his presence - I felt really, really infatuated at that point(or so I thought). I wasn't willing to admit to the fact that I was in love. I was trying not to fall in love, in fact - fearing vulnerability and also fearing that it might not end well. That day, he even called me 'baby' once, in passing. I wanted to hear him say it again, and I pretended to not hear - but I didn't get lucky the second time. I blushed anyway. lol.
When he dropped me back, he said that we should meet the next day, as he was leaving that night. I wanted to, but I was afraid. It's difficult to explain my fear at that point. I didn't want to come across as clingy, and I felt a little overwhelmed by the speed of things. However, since he really insisted a second time, and because I wasn't sure if and when I would meet him again, I agreed.
When he dropped me back the second day, he had already stayed way past the time when he had decided to leave - he had a bus to catch, and he stayed until the latest possible time. It was an emotional moment, and he said that he really didn't want leave, making a movie reference - for those who watch Bollywood movies, he said that he felt like Aamir Khan when he boarded the plane in the movie "Ghajni". I was obviously touched.
February
The next few days went pretty much the same way. We would tirelessly text each other all day and all night. Towards the end of the month, I was leaving to my hometown by bus, and although I am used to travelling alone, that time felt special caz it felt like he was right there, in the bus with me. He knew exactly how to make his presence felt, even when he is nowhere in the picture, right from the time we started chatting.
This went on for a long time.
April - July(the following year)
There was his birthday. Wondering what I could do that was out of the ordinary, I pieced together this funny surprise of me cutting cake with my friends on his behalf. It totally worked. He said he felt like a king. :)
Later that month, we spoke over the possibility of us getting married. This is where things started going downhill - very slowly. I discussed the option with my mother that holiday. She had noticed the difference in me - this really proved the fact that you really can't lie to mom. She saw his picture and was very happy for me until she heard that he and I belonged to different religions and cultures. After a very long conversation, where I had played every card in my hand, she had made her point very clearly. This was not going to happen. I had lost.
I did bring it up a number of times over the years that followed, talking for nearly similar lengths of time, and unfortunately, I didn't manage to convince her that we could be okay if we only had a chance.
He flew to a different country to work, which was the most difficult time for me. I kept looking at my phone every 2 seconds, expecting to see a call/message, but there used to be only emails from him - one everyday, but these dwindled down to one every now and then as he got a job and had a very busy schedule.
The concept of emailing someone I used to talk every moment of every day felt almost impersonal and distant to me. It made me aware of how far he had gone from me.
Even then, when I was upset, he was still the only one who literally made time to talk to me, and made sure I felt better before he left again. When we did have arguments over anything, he would never run away from talking about it. He would make a genuine effort to talk it out, and sort things out before anything else. There have been times when we would discuss a situation for a whole day to finally come to terms with it.
Anyway, even after that, he continued to be the best friend I have ever had, always being there for me right when I needed him, giving me the same kind of respect, and still caring for me so much that he actually would devote a little time for me, no matter how busy he got. The best part in him is, the intensity of his love made all other relationships in my life feel trivial and unimportant.
Since we were both intent on putting family first, we chose to remain friends. It looks to me now that he succeeded in his attempt to remain friends with me, but the same couldn't be said about me. I still loved him. Although the rational side of my mind put the plain facts out there in the open, saying that I was fighting a losing war, I still seemed to not have the strength to let go.
Two more years from then:
I am in a different country now too. The loneliness and vulnerability one feels in a new place only illuminated the nostalgia, and I tend to irrationally hope to have things back with him, but the rational side of my mind seems to have finally made it's point, loud and clear - Enough is ENOUGH.
Right now, as a last resort, I have ended things with him, at least until I can firmly condition myself to only think of him as a friend.
The ring of finality to that shatters me from within, but at the same time, this feels like the only option I have left. I need to work on it. Better now than later, right? So to get things out of the way early, and so I can at least hope to move on, I have made this decision. I can only hope that it works out well for me.
So now, from "It's complicated" I am officially single again. However, I intend to take this time to learn to live a life without him. As a usually independent person, he is the only one I ever dared to trust and depend on, so I have a considerable task ahead of me.
Add that to the new setting I am in - and that is quite a lot on my mind, so I believe that rebuilding will not be as daunting as it would have been if I had nothing to do.
I would like to close stating the line that is often mentioned:
"To have loved and lost is far better than not having loved at all."
-From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850
There's definitely no arguing that point, as there is so much that has changed for the better in my life, so much of what I do now(my decisions, thoughts, attitudes, ideas) that has his influence that I seriously doubt that I could have done without. For whatever reason, just for me, he has been the best and most amazing gift from above. Though his presence was fleeting, it has most definitely done the most wonderful things for me, which makes him the third most important person in my life, after my parents.
Love may be a negative experience for some, but for me, I believe it brought me to where I am right now, shaped me and supported me into becoming the person I am now. It completed me, giving me the sense of direction, peace and contentment that nothing else could give me. Knowing the girl I once was, and the lady I am today, I definitely have come a very long way, and I intend to continue to keep going, refusing to be defeated by a loss, defying anything and anyone who might try coming my way, because life was given to me for a reason. I intend to find my purpose and live to fulfill it.
In my life, God has been extremely kind on various occasions, but this, I believe was his personal best so far. I will continue to love Zeus in my own way, but I will move on just because life has to go on, and progress, from one stage to the next. I live with the hope that God, who has been forever benevolent, would somehow continue to bring in bigger and better surprises. What I hope for, even more than that, is that one of those would be a love that would last, a love that would be mine to keep.
So, this story essentially ends with Zeus's "Melbourne girl" finally making it all the way across to Melbourne, and then, eventually choosing to move on, asking him if it would be okay to not talk anymore. He concedes, saying that if that is what she truly wanted, then he would agree to let her have it.
If there is any more to this story, I haven't come up with it yet. :)
