People will be people - everywhere..

   If you have read other articles in my blog, by now you know that I observe people and their ways. Now, I was born and raised into an Indian family – and on a scale of mocha to coconut, my family falls in the middle. Now, why I have to say this is, since we have migrations happening for decades, and little Indian kids routinely growing up in other countries, there is a necessity to telepathically establish one’s “brown-ness” upfront, when we meet other brown people. Why I say “brown-ness” instead of “Indian-ness” is because anyone who is from the Indian subcontinent, who don’t actually identify as Indian take offence at being called “Indian”. So on a scale of mocha (very brown) to coconut (brown on the outside, white on the inside), my family arguably falls in the middle. To begin with, we were a part of the initial migrants, who were taken to another British colony for work during the British rule, so although we are effectively Indian in all our ways, we are dual citizens of India and another country (Overseas Citizens of India).

   My grandparents spoke English – quite fluently, I might add, because my grandfather on my mother’s side - I would have called him “Thatha” if he hadn’t prematurely died of a heart attack – routinely wrote poems and had his own, very impressive collection of books, including the complete works of Shakespeare, written in the form of a play (I think, because I didn’t have the patience to get through it before his books were auctioned off at one point). He was well educated for his time, and worked as an Accountant, in a then well-established international organization (an offshore British company located where we lived).  He also spoke 3 languages fluently, which was often two more than the average person of his time.

   So, naturally, my grandmother spoke English, and my mother and her siblings too. On my father’s side, my grandfather worked for a British employer during the British rule, and he spoke English passably well too, even if he wasn’t as well read or as educated as Thatha was. My father, however, broke the mould in his family, and went ahead and got qualified as an Accountant from a British establishment too, which meant that if he didn’t speak English well to begin with, he certainly did after that.

   Now, often, speaking a ‘foreign’ language cannot be complete without some amount of a cultural exchange happening. The more fluent you are, the more of an influence this other culture would have on you. So, the fact that I spoke English as a first language, alongside, my mother tongue meant that I was a unique blend of these two cultures, French, which I learnt for a while, when my parents and I lived in the Seychelles, and at school as a second language, and then the panoply of Indian languages I was exposed to during my time spent in 2 different metropolitan cities in India. If you don’t know this about India already, each state in India is culturally unique, with its own language, attire, cultural practices, etc. – so this was probably the most enriching experience of my life, where I got to reconnect with my roots, and be immersed in a plethora of different languages and cultures in a modern context, as I grew up with the Internet – so I actually saw globalization happening as I grew – I was a part of it, even.  

   So when I was growing up, I have been fortunate to attend educational institutions where a number of nationalities were represented, and I feel like I got  valuable insight into their ways of thinking and doing things – learned from each one, and I feel richer for having known these wonderful people. As a result, I have been raised to constantly seek out variety in life – I like to involve myself in a number of different things, and to always find something new to learn. This also exposed me to a larger subset of people from a number of different backgrounds, and but this time, once I outgrew the ‘studenthood’ phase, it was a different – this time, another dimension was added to the variety – educational backgrounds and overall life experience.  So, I can safely say that I have at least met and spoken to a mixed bag of roughly a thousand to two thousand people, if not a little more.

   Now if you’re like me, raised in a country outside Europe, Australia or the US, you are raised to think that “The White Man” as they are called, has it all figured out, that they were above gossip, they always knew the right things to say, they were somehow, far more civilized and above the rest of the world. Weirdly, we are also fed with contrasting views that somehow look down on their “Lack of Culture” (it’s the best way I can sum up the things that are said). Of course media coloured my perceptions as well, so I wasn’t all that ignorant either, but I think it’s safe to say that my idea of what the first world looked like was quite different from what I actually saw, felt and experienced when I moved to Australia a few years ago. I was very surprised with what I saw. There was of course, the wonders of the first world – convenience was mainly it, but the rat race was far less intense and life-or-death than what I was used to. I loved it, and I was nostalgic for my India at the same time.

   I was very fortunate to meet people from different walks of life in Australia as well, and I saw that, like everywhere else, you get all sorts of people. You get people who gossip, people who don’t gossip, friendly people, unfriendly people, civilized people, uncivilized people - just every kind of person. There are obviously differences in how different countries deal with disadvantaged people and the actual circumstances in the lives of different people, but people and their personalities, I think, would broadly stay the same everywhere you go.

   I have to say, though, that my experience in Australia has been great in that I fully appreciate the kindness in people, and their willingness to help the next person, particularly in their time of need. It is something that really gives me hope for the world. Like I said – a very different rat race - people are very busy, but extremely family oriented - involved parents, loving families, who obviously may have their fights, but overall, they seem to function as a unit. Each individual has the chance to shine, if they chose to – the system is designed to help you at every step, which is quite the opposite in countries like India, where, as a country, there quite literally are way too many mouths to feed, so the struggle is REAL.

   My point of writing this blog post, was, to give you context - my views as to why I think that people are people, wherever you go. As a result of recent events, in particular, I find myself finding patterns in every group of friends and I see, that you have all the usual suspects – the nosy one, the needy one, the selfish one, the weird one, the gossipy one, the one who can’t grow up, the mother, the Mother Teresa, the model, the selfie king/queen, the cute and cuddly one, the old soul, the smart one, the dumb one – ha ha – I sound like a very judgemental person from that sentence, but I’m aware that some of those things describe me as well (and they’re not the good ones haha). Well, I’m not judgemental, but I find that I need to make smart choices about who to actually be close to, and who not to – because I do value quality over quantity, and I treat my close friends like family. It goes without saying that this process of elimination also shows me who to watch out for, and who to avoid, which I find is very important to know. Anyway, I’m certainly not about to be insincere to people who are sincere to me and vice versa, so I’m generally upfront about how I feel about people, and I’m mostly with them as they are with me.

   So, back to my point, people are people, there may be some differences based on their individual circumstances, but broadly, people are the same. In every society, you will find wonderful people, and you will find truly horrible people, and then, there’s everything in between. Nationality, race, cast, creed – none of this matters, when it gets down to it. People are people, and there’s no escaping that reality, which may have its negative sides, but also, it means that there is still such good in people, just that it’s at different depths. With some people, it’s bubbling at the surface, and with others, not so much, and also, it is important to keep in mind, that, no matter how good a person can be, they will have their faults, and their quirks. I find it useful to observe and pick up on them – just to be aware of them. It may come as no surprise to you that I don’t like surprises, and God knows that I have been let down far too many times to not wonder, from the start, where each person’s cracks may be – just to protect myself against any potential hurt. When I go in with my eyes open, I know exactly when to check out, before any kind of relationship hits dire straits, and in some cases, I identify a situation where I can stand by my friend, and in the process, strengthen my friendship with them, because their crazy may match my crazy (straight outta Deadpool’s mouth - lol).

So there it is – now you know what I meant, and my job here is done. 

On friends and disagreements...

I have been a student for most of my life, and lived in student accommodations for half of it, in 4 different countries. As such, I have seen my fair share of personalities pass me by, of which, some became my friends - most of them, short term, and a much smaller number actually surprised me by sticking with me for all these years. I am, for the most part, an independent person, but I do enjoy having a small number of great friends.

If you've read my other blogs, you'll know me to be an observer of life - not intentional, just something I've always done to make sense of my environment. It could be my introversion, my personality and/or my past experiences that makes me very cautious, because I'm constantly on guard, observing and assessing people around me and how they react to me, the things I say, and things in general. Since I've lived alone for a long time, I call this a survival instinct, because I can sense it when someone can be trouble, and when I do listen, I avoid it. Whatever it is, I find that it is spot on, even when I wish it could be wrong.

When I meet someone for the first time, I usually am far more vigilant - with some people, something about them puts me off straight away, and I decide straight away that I want to have as little to do with them as possible. On occasion, I take to someone almost instantly, and we are great friends right from the start. However, being as cautious as I am, this assessment is an ongoing process. With my closest friends, I feel at peace, relaxed and understood, and conversation flows with close to no effort. And then, there are some people who don't make it to either extreme - I like talking to them, but try as I might, I just can't bring myself to trust them.

I have a certain friend who would fall under this category. Let's call her Mae, for this story (I'm hoping I have no actual friends with a name similar to this - at least, I can't think of any). Anyway. Mae and I met randomly. We weren't the best of friends on day one. We talked sporadically, but we spoke a lot when we did, mostly over Facebook chat, but we also moved in similar circles, so we got to see each other a lot that way, and we got to talk a lot more - that's how we became friends. I found her very tricky to be friends with, because, even though she hates being called a teenager, her behaviour was typical. At certain times, friendly, sweet, nice to talk to, and at other times, dependent and clingy (at one stage) or moody, impish, sulky, bored, difficult to please - like a child in a lot of ways, but in an adult body - in other words....yes, a teenager! On this occasion, I fought my every instinct and forced myself to trust this person, but what I kept seeing and sensing right in front of me - how she was with me, and with others lead me to keep having my doubts. I was friends with her, and was, for all intents and purposes, her friend, but even though I tried, my heart wasn't really in it. I was happy with the fact that I was being nice to her, but really unhappy that I let myself get close to her, where I constantly felt like I needed to be the adult among children. Being at that phase where I'm enjoying the fact that I am an adult, and my only real responsibility is myself, this felt very uncomfortable for me.

Anyway, it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that I operate entirely on trust, especially with those closest to me. Now, I also have a tendency to try to reciprocate when a friend seems to trust me, even if I am unable to really trust them (not always, but it has happened a few times). She seemed to open up to me and treat me like a best friend, so I told myself that I shouldn't be that critical, and played the part, to not feel guilty that someone tried to reach out to me, and I rudely cut them off.

I've heard that adversity separates the wheat from the chaff - that seemed to happen when I was at a low point for a few months last year because I've been job hunting, and life happened, and let's just say that I was super whiny and just not a delight to be around. In my normal state, I'm calm and zen - it takes a lot to upset me, but when something really upsets me, I ruminate - the negative side of an anxious person. I've always been a recluse when I'm very upset about something, because I take time to sift through every detail of what happened in my mind - to come to terms with it. I have an internal dialogue with myself to understand what happened - objectively, and to really learn from it, so that I get better at handling the challenging situation, if it happens again. Much like our immune system does. This time, I had a few close friends who would spend a lot of time around me even then. Needless to say, I was annoying AF - a real piece of work, because the time I would otherwise spend in quiet contemplation, I was surrounded by my best friend and a few other good friends - so I ended up ruminating verbally, to them. My closest friends were patient with me for the most part, but reprimanded the unhelpful rumination, telling me how annoying they found it - as often as they needed to.

I knew how I must have sounded to them, so I fully understood and appreciated the reprimand, because it counts as communication, and I'm of the belief that in any kind of close relationship - family/friends, communication is crucial - especially when it comes to communicating annoyance/dissatisfaction. It gave me the chance to apologize and check myself - and even if it initially didn't seem that way, I was really trying to keep the whining down. It eventually worked, and now, I barely ever talk about it.

Mae is very concerned with being politically correct all the time, and she mentioned it mildly once or twice, in a voice that belied the extent of her dissatisfaction, and when I continued to bring it up by accident (because that's how much I was ruminating), she decided to silently stew in her dissatisfaction, and complain about me to a mutual friend. After about 2 months of this, during which, our friendship, although seemingly unchanged on the surface, was slowly deteriorating, our mutual friend finally convinced Mae to speak to me about it.

She did bring it up, but did so in a very speech-like manner at first, and then seemed to become confrontational, raising her voice and focusing on inconsequential details. When her tone started to get confrontational, and seemed more like a whining teen and a cornered animal, I decided not to take the bait, so I gently shut it down with a simple statement of apology that I'm sorry for having annoyed her, and that my expectation was that she should communicate directly to me about any dissatisfaction she may have with me. She said that that was who she was, that she is afraid of confrontation, and so she wouldn't communicate dissatisfaction, no matter how serious it got.

I don't think communication and confrontation are the same at all. Communication involves people with the intention of furthering and healing the relationship just talking in a calm, maybe passionate tone (at most) about what happened, and the focus would be on trying to express their side while, at the same time, trying to understand the other person's side, to meet them halfway. This would generally mean that a resolution would be reached, and the relationship would continue, stronger than before. Confrontation, on the other hand, is self-seeking, negative, possibly rushed and forced, where no real regard is shown for the other person, and whether it is indicative of the end of a relationship or not, it definitely wouldn't strengthen it. Words are spoken in an accusatory tone, mainly done with the intention of palming off the blame - in an attempt to seem like a victim. This would generally elicit a similar reaction from the opponent who would try to do the same - basically, they would have an unhelpful discussion that would only deepen the rift.

What I expected was that she would accept my apology, and at least try to meet me half way, and say that next time, she would at least try to tell me if there was something I was doing that was bothering her. I don't think that's asking for much. She seemed unconcerned with my apology - she didn't seem to want/expect it - she flatly stated that communicating wasn't her style, and that she just puts up with things. Well, she doesn't just put up with things - what she does do, is not talk about it, but get sulky and annoying when she's annoyed. Look, I don't sweat the small stuff, but I would hate to willfully annoy my friends - so, to me, not communicating just meant that I would constantly have to walk on eggshells around her, trying to guess what each of her reactions meant, or constantly try to please her. In other words, that was her asking far too much of me, because I would never be able to fully relax around her if that was to continue. Also, I am not about to constantly try to please anyone - I was raised as a people-pleaser, and I know first hand that it helps no one - it just breeds more contempt and dysfunction.

From the time I met her, our friendship was unequal - in that I really tried - maybe she did too (I don't know at this point), but when she said that she wasn't even willing to try communicating, a switch seemed to go off in my mind, and I just stopped caring what she felt, and any feelings of closeness I had fostered for her just flew out the window.

To add to this, there were a few other idiosyncrasies of hers that were constantly getting on my nerves before any of this happened - because she is not the typical type of person that I would be close friends with. These idiosyncrasies didn't exactly have much to do with how she was with me, but it was about who she is and what she brings to the table in general. I usually am closest to progressive, broadminded, self-aware, mature people with life experience to have their own opinions and a unique personality, not overly influenced by their environment. Mae is intelligent, but lacks the maturity and depth of personality that life experience gives you, and the closer I got to her, the more this really showed, so I couldn't interact with her on an equal level - it brought to light that really, except for the people we knew and a few interests we may have shared, we were just two very different people with different priorities. In spite of some difficult experiences, which may be unique to her situation, she has lived a very sheltered life.

I have had anything but a sheltered life, constantly having to forge my own path, through the thicket. In my short life, I have lived in a war torn country, ventured out when I was 15 to study away in a country away from where my parents lived at the time. A victim of bullying right through elementary and middle school, and with parents who had complete faith in the school system, I've known what it is like to feel completely alone in the world, with no one to turn to. I've had to fight to find my true identity - as an only child, with an unhappy, friendless childhood (this is not an exaggeration), growing up in different countries - I can keep going, there's an extensive list as to why I don't fit neatly in a box. I've fought tooth and nail - for everything that I've got so far in my life, facing failure and heartache alone - faced adversity after adversity on my own, getting back up on my feet and pushing through it each time. This is definitely the reason why I constantly rely on God for my life - he has seen me through every seemingly impossible situation. In spite of my parents being there in the background, there's only so much you can tell them because they're miles away, and can't really do much. That said, in my adult life, they have done everything they can to be there for me.

There's not much that's more grueling and demoralizing as a job hunt - my job hunt has lasted nearly 2 years, on a visa, doing 2 part time jobs that don't do much except barely put food on the table, trying to be in a hundred places at once. At one point, I've even known what it's like to ration my meals (no, I didn't go hungry, but I did have to be very careful to make sure I don't). That sort of life changes you. I'm definitely not ashamed of it - I've survived it, so I'm even proud that I got to come up against these things and still moved forward. It's difficult to put it into words, but I have come to always be prepared for the other shoe to drop - because in my life, "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong" - it has always happened, so I always have back up plans for every single thing I do,  I never take anything for granted, and never really make long term plans, because in my experience, there really is no point. I do have a vision in life, and I have life goals, but I don't make specific long term plans with any one person. This list also comes with me not wasting time with dead ends - people, relationships - anything. If it's much more trouble than it's worth, it's just got to go.

The reason I didn't bring up my annoyance with Mae was because, if I did, I would be asking her not to be herself, and I don't think that is something anyone should ask of anyone. That's why I generally choose my friends very carefully - because I want to appreciate them for who they are, and who they will grow to be, without expecting them to change for me. However, her idiosyncrasies independently wouldn't have made me want to shut her out, because, when she is by herself, and not being impish, she can be sweet and endearing. My problem was entirely with one thing - when a person is not willing to communicate openly, I don't see any room for growth in that relationship, and it doesn't foster trust - and I'm not willing to keep a vestigial friendship in my life. The moment it looses its meaning and honesty, most friendships/relationships would just dwindle, and die a slow, painful death. I guess I just instantly put an end to it in my mind, to save us both the trouble. The less I invest, the less I feel annoyed or jilted.

This is it : ultimately, when I'm faced with deviousness of any kind, intended or not - I don't find it cute. Maybe I can bring myself to laugh it off, the first few times - as you do, with any new trick - but then it gets to me really quickly. The moment I lose trust for the person, I kick the person out of my life for good, or at least keep them at a distance, where I wouldn't have to bother with them anymore - because, to me, not doing that straight away has always proven to be a complete waste of time and effort - and as a septic limb would do, the infection would creep into the rest of my body and kill me, if I postpone the amputation.        

Thankfully, I have had one or two other experiences like this before, so I didn't make the same mistakes this time, and I don't feel any guilt about doing what I've gotta do. I've tried, for the duration of our friendship - I failed - and I'm just well and truly done now, so it's simply time to move on.