On roads less traveled...

I’ve realized that the most challenging thing in life is to come to terms with the fact that not everything you need is available to you right when you reach for it. Quite often, life makes you work for it before you have your needs met – the right job, the right partner, the right <fill in the blank>. This is especially apparent if your needs are quite specific and you believe that, as intelligent people, we need to be more discerning in the choices we make.

People who settle for what comes easy generally live a highly dissatisfied life. That is the unfortunate truth – the good things in life are certainly earned. People who go with the flow constitute a large proportion of the population, so the belief that people must conform to societal beliefs and rules has been quite pervasive. Less so now that in previous generations, but it still exists in one form or the other. Everywhere you look, you see people who are settling for less because they believe in a perceived timeline that their life must follow, and are strong enforcers of this belief. Patiently waiting for something that suits them best is painted as stupid, "irresponsible" and other people fervently lecture the people who have the courage to take the road less traveled that they shouldn't be wasting their time or making these large sacrifices. 

Let me confirm that it is always much harder to swim against the tide, but when a person truly understands the risks in ‘going with the flow’, they try to be more conscious of the process of making the series of decisions that result in an individual having the unique experience that unfolds, to eventually be their life.

When a person takes the road less traveled, they are consciously putting themselves through some unique experiences that force them to take a good hard look at their ways and beliefs. The more enlightened among these people adjust their outlook according to the new information they have. They embrace change and are willing to rise to the challenges this new path presents to them. A person who routinely chooses the road less traveled is ultimately a highly evolved individual, as a result of the experience they gain from being faced with a slew of unfamiliar and/or challenging situations.

One must keep in mind that taking the road less traveled often means that they are most often more prone to experience disappointment, failure, a sense of feeling lost and unsure of where they are headed. The uncertainty and the challenges in this path are what convince most people to take the easier route. However, it is important to remember that these transformative moments are absolutely essential because the better things are usually far more respected when they are earned; and routinely get more difficult before things fall into place, and the person is finally rewarded for their patience and persistence. The outcome of this experience is that the person is now permanently transformed into an evolved individual, and the rewards would be in kind.

In case you’re one of these people, take heart and remember to hang in there. The journey ain’t over yet - good times are coming – just don’t you give up. As difficult as this may seem at the time, hold on to the belief that when the time is right, you will thank yourself for not settling for less, because the person you are becoming would be rewarded with far more than you ever imagined. The version of you receiving the reward would have been through several rounds of upgrading and polishing, that what you dreamt as the earliest version is chump change for the new and improved version. Don't ever apologize for evolving and waiting for something or someone worthy of you. Likewise, don’t ever stop taking the road less traveled. It is certainly peppered with far more challenges, but overcoming them will be worth every moment of despair. Whatever you do, don't give up or stop trying. The best things in life are worth the struggle. Take heart and keep moving forward, one step at a time.

What's all this fuss about chai? Well, I'm glad you asked.

Yamuna sipped her chai as she looked out adoringly at the bustling Indian city around her, contemplating life. She contemplated the fluidity of the concept of time in her mind, the way it felt like an eternity and a blur all at once. This was one of those moments in life when life caught up with her for a second, and everything she’d been through made sense for a second. She didn’t feel adrift anymore, because she was finally claiming her life, taking control over what was rightfully hers. 

After what felt like the exodus to her, she was finally at home, amongst all that felt familiar to her.

She inhaled, taking in the smell of her aromatic chai. It smelled familiar and warm. Unexpectedly, a tear rolls down her cheek. ‘Where did that come from?’ she wondered. It was the overwhelming relief of finally not having to put on a show of how she was unlike this simple, saree-clad woman, sitting on her doorstep, sipping her chai. Here, she didn’t have to think, or speak – she could just sit here, taking in the sounds of all the people going about their lives around her, and just lose herself in the aroma of the ginger and elaichi, wafting up from her cup of tea.

She had taken her time waking up and getting dressed this morning, picking out a pretty saree that matched her mood, and draping it with care, taking her time to make sure the creases were perfect and that the saree cascaded around her in an artful cloud of pleats and loose bits. She chose to wear a big, round pottu and a big mookuththi. She felt deliciously rebellious doing it, even though no one else may think of it that way. She had taken her time enjoying every little morsel of the gloriously crispy dosa she had made for breakfast that day, enjoying the smell, texture and the warmth of it and all that it meant to her. She had then made her chai and had actually sat down to savour it, letting its warmth wash over her. Being so free felt strange to her, at the point where the drudgery had started to become her friend.

Tomorrow, she decided she would start making the phone calls she wanted to make regarding her job search, but today, she was just going to relish being here, in her saree, drinking chai, and feeling beautiful and proud. She looked at all the people around her who looked like her, and watched as the aunty who lived next door came out to buy vegetables from the vegetable hawker. Aunty was a bit surprised to see her in a saree, so she made a gesture at Yamuna, which meant she was mighty impressed, and Yamuna smiled back at her happily.

Oh the joy – she finally didn’t have to protect her precious India from unfriendly strangers, who were only too ready to turn up their noses at it. She was finally allowed to feel unabashedly proud of all the wonders of her home. She could finally embrace the music, the dance and the way India lived and moved and breathed all around her, like a warm, comforting mother. The world felt like a safer, simpler and a far more meaningful place, all at once.

She could take her time to choose what she wanted to do with her life. No one was going to question her presence or kick her out if she took too long to do anything. She didn’t have to explain herself to anyone. They just understood. What a relief.

She would never discourage anyone who thought about going overseas, but the reality is, unlike most people, Yamuna had always had a sense of exactly what she wanted out of life. Her choices were often unconventional because she unapologetically followed her heart. It didn’t matter to her if people didn’t understand why she did the things she chose to do. In fact, she enjoyed proving people wrong when they handed her the doom and gloom about why her choices would lead to her “failure”. She listened attentively when people who meant well gave her sound advice, but never let anyone make her decisions for her because most people didn’t quite “get” her.

It was due to a decision someone else made that she had left her beloved India some years ago in tears, very apprehensive of the first world, which was sold to her with such fervour. See, to a lot of people, money mattered far more than soul. For those people, the sacrifices they make don’t matter because they live for the moments when their clueless families back at home would celebrate the image of opulence and the unsophisticated, fake accent they toss around when they visit. They always make a show of how they are slumming it, with their family, and the family lap it all up readily, forgetting their self-respect in the mind-fog that resulted from the gifts they were given.

Yamuna wasn’t really the self-righteous type, but she always scoffed at pretentiousness. No matter whom it came from.

Anyway, the realities of the first world hit her slowly. She went in wanting to love it, hoping that all she heard from everyone was true. At first, she absolutely loved being able to express herself freely. People understood the nuances of the English she used. She could use flowery language, embellish a little, be witty, and her jokes landed. People enjoyed having conversations with her as much as she was beginning to enjoy indulging them with all her stories.

She always loved beginnings, because there were no expectations from anyone, just conversation that flowed freely. She spent some time getting to know the people, learning their ways, and politely answering their probing, and sometimes (frankly!) moronic questions about India.

At first, she sympathised a little – they truly had no idea, which is why they sounded so…curious. However, as she became more familiar with the social cues of this new culture, she started realising that it wasn’t healthy curiosity, but a veiled attempt to get her to criticise her darling India, and say that this new country was the best in the world.

She spent some more time there, trying to fit in, telling herself not to be so judgy. She baked cakes for birthdays and anniversaries and contributed to potlucks. She organised parties and events, and really participated, hoping that that would help her get into the spirit of things. She also showed up to the many, many social events that she never seemed to be able to escape. She endured the culture that seemed to always revolve around sports, drinking and whinging. She tried her best to be sympathetic when the onslaught of first world problems came.  Oh, and when they came, it felt like they came in buckets – no, actually, more like a freakin’ deluge. In the first world, she hated being a woman because the women were having baby showers and bridal showers and all manners of exaggerated sleepovers, with penis-shaped straws when those kinds of things frankly drove her up a wall.

Her idea of womanhood was so different from trying to act like the lost boys…only, girls, in this case. She embraced adulthood the moment she had the chance to act like one. She would never, ever want to do anything child-like. Children didn’t get to wear gorgeous sarees and make decisions for themselves. Children were pretty much the same as drunk adults, and she knew she’d had enough of that for a lifetime! She didn’t want them, and she didn’t wanna be them. Gross.

Regarding her opinion of the first world, it was only a matter of time – the initial wonder she felt bubbled away, turning into tolerance, and tolerance very, very quickly morphed into judgement and resentment. Trainwrecks were celebrated, and intellectuals were non-existent or snooty. Either way, the feeling was akin to her trying to get comfortable in a bed or a chair, but always feeling like something was off. Either a spring would dig into her side or the fabric would make her slip off. However much she tossed, and turned and shifted, there was no comfortable position she could get into. She liked the people, they were alright, but in all her friendships, there was a glaring absence of interconnectedness and genuinity.

She took the last sip of chai and sighed deeply. She had never thought she could grow to despise the stiff upper-lipped, British notion of civility as much as she did now. She realised that she had been right all along.

To put it in Passenger’s words – “Only hate the road when you’re missing home.”

On recognizing your value..

Being born and raised in a conservative, but somewhat progressive Indian family, much of my childhood was all about the adults around me showing me 'how to be seen and not heard', being strict and unforgiving, and preaching that humility is the ultimate virtue.

As a result, I grew up thinking that shrinking myself, and making myself seem small in any situation was the right thing to do. In the society I lived in, humility was indeed a celebrated virtue, because people knew you, and your accomplishments, and so, your words didn't represent you, and people could tell your value from the outset because we all had somewhat relatable if not similar backgrounds. So they know your value from how you carried yourself and how you spoke. When I moved outside, however, my words represented who I was. People believed me when I sold myself short. Over time, slowly but surely, this affected my self-esteem, and thus began a negative thought spiral. 

While humility comes naturally to me, the consequences of shrinking myself to try to fit in, however, constantly conflicted with my free spirit. So, from a very young age, I appreciated solitude - fitting in became too much of a chore once my initial fascination with the group of friends faded away. I am a person who needs to understand the rules and accept them of my own volition to follow it. I always had questions about why our social construct was so....old. Yet, as conservative families often do, my parents shushed me, saying that rules mustn't be questioned. This sentiment was mirrored by all the adults around me, as I'm sure was mirrored by the adults they grew up around and so on. We were raised to just follow the rules - questioning our elders was seen as disrespectful - a big no-no. 

So, naturally, my childhood was difficult. I felt trapped, especially since we didn't live in India. As any immigrant would know, when you move to a new country, fully understanding and accepting your own culture can be a great strength. Faced with questions and people looking to you to represent your 5000-year-old culture is pressure enough without you having a million unanswered questions. I was raised as the poster-child for a woman in our culture, but some amount of progressiveness allowed me to fight for my further studies. 

Long story short, I moved a lot in my life. Of this, the best time I had was in India because, generally speaking, my values were aligned with the values of people there. They could relate to how I felt growing up, and more importantly, they had similar questions and similar frustrations. I was at home, with my people, who got me. For better or for worse, we were all in it together, and that sense of unity is something that still keeps me bound firmly to my culture. 

We mostly seem to have one problem. We were taught how to be and how not to be, but we weren't genuinely appreciated and celebrated in our families. Our families noticed when we made mistakes, but all the good things we did were just ignored. Their reasoning? They don't want us to get too comfortable. Indian parents love to keep us on our toes - constantly. If we aren't raking in the laurels, they see it as a failure on their part. 

In India, this makes complete sense - the population is steadily growing, and opportunities are quite limited, so the competition is fierce, and you must be ahead of the crowd to make it anywhere - but what I've noticed, even in myself, is that Indians never stop being Indians, no matter where they move to. 

The Western world has really understood good parenting in this aspect. They raise their kids knowing that they are loved and appreciated. They really know how to show their kids that they are valued. I must say this, though - not all Indian families are as conservative as mine, and not all Western families are the opposite - there is a lot of good and bad examples on both sides, and I know that each side has their own strengths and weaknesses. I am just picking up on one aspect for discussion here. 

In the past year, I've come to realize the significant disconnect between myself and my positive self-image. All my achievements and all my good attributes are like the Andaman and Nicobar Islands - still a part of me, but there's a body of water separating me from it. I find that I have unconsciously distanced myself from it in my attempt to be humble. Never taking credit, and always deflecting compliments, since this felt like arrogance, and arrogance stirred up guilt. Misguided, I know.

Guilt, however, had become an unwelcome visitor in my life, mainly because I was like Dennis the Menace growing up - always finding myself in some kind of trouble. So I was often seen as a troublemaker, growing up. Knowing my personality as an adult, I can see why I couldn't get along with other kids - we don't have a lot of choice as children, to choose the company we keep, or to seek out other groups of children. We go where we are taken. But I didn't know that as a child. I believed that there was something wrong with me. The inappropriate guilt stuck with me. I've outgrown most of it now, but there are still vestiges of it in my psyche, that rears its ugly head when I'm triggered or in a negative headspace due to some kind of situation. 

This left me vulnerable to many things - mainly, when others project their insecurities/struggles on me, I was easily affected. I never understood why I was so sensitive until I understood this. Our positive attributes form an important part of our identity. A strong sense of self is very important for us to function in the world. 

As much as it is important for us to know our flaws so we can work on them, it is equally, if not even more important for us to acknowledge and commend our achievements too. Our personal strength and confidence comes from knowing our strengths as well as our weaknesses, and accepting all of it without judgment. Only then can we truly see the world for what it is and understand where we fit. 

Do we need to fit in? No, no - a thousand times, NO. While it may feel good for a short time, fitting in invariably means that you play by someone else's rules. Me, I have always preferred to live life on my own terms. I embrace the solitude, only mingling with others on my terms. That way, you really experience life authentically and unapologetically.

I don't mean that we need to be bad human beings, or needlessly rebellious - as Mark Manson says, in his book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck", we need to pick our priorities. Really know what matters to you, and just let all the rest go. Life becomes far less complicated this way. 

Asking yourself - will it matter in 5 years? Will I be able to live without this? What happens if...? - will help you understand what truly matters to you, and it will help you to set up healthy boundaries. Everyone is capable of building resilience. If you go into every interaction knowing your values and opinions, and your value, you can easily extricate yourself from a situation when you find that your boundaries have been crossed. Life is way to short to keep limiting yourself and fitting in. Be willing to move on and start over in social situations. You live in a world of 7 billion people. You will never run out of people to meet. 

This doesn't mean that I'm incapable of warmth or kindness. Quite the opposite. I choose the people I surround myself with. Even with these people, if we have unreconcilable differences, I acknowledge that, and move on. It doesn't mean I don't like or respect them, but I actually move on because I feel that they shouldn't have to change their values on my account, so I move on and make more friends. 

When I moved to Australia, I realized that their social construct exists in a similar way to ours - not in essence, but in the fact that there is a vast majority of people who blindly follow rules without having the courage to challenge or question them. 

Life is dynamic, and life, as we know it, has sped up significantly compared to previous decades. While unquestioning acceptance may have worked for our grandparents, even our parents have realized the importance of truly understanding the reasoning behind the rules now. 

You'd think that our generation consists mainly of people who question, which, maybe it does, but I think the numbers would still be more like 60% free-thinkers to 40% unquestioning followers. Even I was surprised by young people who are still blind followers who enforce this kind of thinking in the people around them. The free-thinkers don't do this, because enforcing anything goes against free-thinking. 

The reason I support free-thinking is because it encourages and inspires a person to honestly pick what matters to them instead of just doing what their parents did or what others do.

However, let me tell you this. Our parents' ways do significantly influence our thoughts and ways. For instance, self-doubt and fear were some negative traits both my parents shared. I grew up around this, and while I am quite a daring person, I still have moments of self-doubt and fear, experiencing thought patterns not unlike what my parents feel. So I understand why people follow - it's easier, and it comes naturally. My point though, is to truly make friends with yourself. 

When you make yourself your best friend, you are much stronger, far more independent and very secure. Take time to remind yourself of your positive attributes, your hard work and your accomplishments. Ask yourself what you truly want from life. Ask yourself every question you would ask a best friend, and be completely honest and non-judgmental. 

Knowing and accepting yourself without judgment is absolutely key to self-love. Self-love is the source of all happiness. I'm not saying that you shouldn't acknowledge the parts of you that need improvement - rather, when you see the good and bad alike, you find a sense of purpose - you find hope and motivation to better your best in a positive way. You aren't doing it to please others, you are just trying to live your best life, and ultimately, that's all that truly matters. 

Living a life pleasing others and fitting in will only bring you misery. Who amongst us wouldn't want a friend/partner who is with you only because they strongly believe in you and in your relationship? Of course it would hurt if they left, but wouldn't you be much better off if the person left instead of staying and dragging you around on a string? Maybe I'm naive, and know nothing about marriages, but I think I prefer being in a meaningful relationship, where the person is aware of my positives and negatives, and makes a conscious choice to be with me, instead of just putting up with me. 

In my opinion, this kind of thinking would promote honesty and authenticity, which is what would make living truly worthwhile. 

When you weed out all the inauthentic people in your life, you become happier. To do this, you need to really understand that you are worthy of better quality. Know your value, and don't stick around where you aren't appreciated. See if you can make things better, or just cut your losses and leave. You can easily do this with friendships. If you just meet more people and really put people through the funnel, you can find a handful of great friends who you know will have your back, be with you through thick and thin, and be genuine in good times and bad.

It is a bit more complicated to do in a marriage, but that's probably what makes a strong case for dating people. You understand who people are, and what they're capable of before you commit to them.  

Living life on your terms only begins once you take a good look at yourself, and see the good in you first. See that you shouldn't have to just accept what's given to you - instead, knowing yourself and all that you're about, you should understand that life does not exist without rejection. The safer option always, always comes with a host of negative consequences. Take life by the horns, and know that whatever you do, you always have a choice. When you have a choice to make, remember to consider your options carefully, knowing fully well that 'none of the above' is also a valid choice. Life is fluid and dynamic. There will always be other opportunities if the choices at hand don't suit you.

While calculated risks are definitely a part of life, they should be on your terms too. Simply choose the option that appeals the most to you, honestly, and without having to justify yourself to anyone. Make your choices and own the consequences. Failure is an indication that you're trying. Find the lesson and keep persevering. The right opportunities are on their way.

Remember that you are a person of high value. Living life on your terms is going to be tough, and you will definitely face a lot of opposition, but what's important is that you always check if your choices align with your own personal values, which I hope, will consist of one line that says you shouldn't bring harm to yourself or to others.

Once you've checked with your conscience, you're all good to go! 

People will be people - everywhere..

   If you have read other articles in my blog, by now you know that I observe people and their ways. Now, I was born and raised into an Indian family – and on a scale of mocha to coconut, my family falls in the middle. Now, why I have to say this is, since we have migrations happening for decades, and little Indian kids routinely growing up in other countries, there is a necessity to telepathically establish one’s “brown-ness” upfront, when we meet other brown people. Why I say “brown-ness” instead of “Indian-ness” is because anyone who is from the Indian subcontinent, who don’t actually identify as Indian take offence at being called “Indian”. So on a scale of mocha (very brown) to coconut (brown on the outside, white on the inside), my family arguably falls in the middle. To begin with, we were a part of the initial migrants, who were taken to another British colony for work during the British rule, so although we are effectively Indian in all our ways, we are dual citizens of India and another country (Overseas Citizens of India).

   My grandparents spoke English – quite fluently, I might add, because my grandfather on my mother’s side - I would have called him “Thatha” if he hadn’t prematurely died of a heart attack – routinely wrote poems and had his own, very impressive collection of books, including the complete works of Shakespeare, written in the form of a play (I think, because I didn’t have the patience to get through it before his books were auctioned off at one point). He was well educated for his time, and worked as an Accountant, in a then well-established international organization (an offshore British company located where we lived).  He also spoke 3 languages fluently, which was often two more than the average person of his time.

   So, naturally, my grandmother spoke English, and my mother and her siblings too. On my father’s side, my grandfather worked for a British employer during the British rule, and he spoke English passably well too, even if he wasn’t as well read or as educated as Thatha was. My father, however, broke the mould in his family, and went ahead and got qualified as an Accountant from a British establishment too, which meant that if he didn’t speak English well to begin with, he certainly did after that.

   Now, often, speaking a ‘foreign’ language cannot be complete without some amount of a cultural exchange happening. The more fluent you are, the more of an influence this other culture would have on you. So, the fact that I spoke English as a first language, alongside, my mother tongue meant that I was a unique blend of these two cultures, French, which I learnt for a while, when my parents and I lived in the Seychelles, and at school as a second language, and then the panoply of Indian languages I was exposed to during my time spent in 2 different metropolitan cities in India. If you don’t know this about India already, each state in India is culturally unique, with its own language, attire, cultural practices, etc. – so this was probably the most enriching experience of my life, where I got to reconnect with my roots, and be immersed in a plethora of different languages and cultures in a modern context, as I grew up with the Internet – so I actually saw globalization happening as I grew – I was a part of it, even.  

   So when I was growing up, I have been fortunate to attend educational institutions where a number of nationalities were represented, and I feel like I got  valuable insight into their ways of thinking and doing things – learned from each one, and I feel richer for having known these wonderful people. As a result, I have been raised to constantly seek out variety in life – I like to involve myself in a number of different things, and to always find something new to learn. This also exposed me to a larger subset of people from a number of different backgrounds, and but this time, once I outgrew the ‘studenthood’ phase, it was a different – this time, another dimension was added to the variety – educational backgrounds and overall life experience.  So, I can safely say that I have at least met and spoken to a mixed bag of roughly a thousand to two thousand people, if not a little more.

   Now if you’re like me, raised in a country outside Europe, Australia or the US, you are raised to think that “The White Man” as they are called, has it all figured out, that they were above gossip, they always knew the right things to say, they were somehow, far more civilized and above the rest of the world. Weirdly, we are also fed with contrasting views that somehow look down on their “Lack of Culture” (it’s the best way I can sum up the things that are said). Of course media coloured my perceptions as well, so I wasn’t all that ignorant either, but I think it’s safe to say that my idea of what the first world looked like was quite different from what I actually saw, felt and experienced when I moved to Australia a few years ago. I was very surprised with what I saw. There was of course, the wonders of the first world – convenience was mainly it, but the rat race was far less intense and life-or-death than what I was used to. I loved it, and I was nostalgic for my India at the same time.

   I was very fortunate to meet people from different walks of life in Australia as well, and I saw that, like everywhere else, you get all sorts of people. You get people who gossip, people who don’t gossip, friendly people, unfriendly people, civilized people, uncivilized people - just every kind of person. There are obviously differences in how different countries deal with disadvantaged people and the actual circumstances in the lives of different people, but people and their personalities, I think, would broadly stay the same everywhere you go.

   I have to say, though, that my experience in Australia has been great in that I fully appreciate the kindness in people, and their willingness to help the next person, particularly in their time of need. It is something that really gives me hope for the world. Like I said – a very different rat race - people are very busy, but extremely family oriented - involved parents, loving families, who obviously may have their fights, but overall, they seem to function as a unit. Each individual has the chance to shine, if they chose to – the system is designed to help you at every step, which is quite the opposite in countries like India, where, as a country, there quite literally are way too many mouths to feed, so the struggle is REAL.

   My point of writing this blog post, was, to give you context - my views as to why I think that people are people, wherever you go. As a result of recent events, in particular, I find myself finding patterns in every group of friends and I see, that you have all the usual suspects – the nosy one, the needy one, the selfish one, the weird one, the gossipy one, the one who can’t grow up, the mother, the Mother Teresa, the model, the selfie king/queen, the cute and cuddly one, the old soul, the smart one, the dumb one – ha ha – I sound like a very judgemental person from that sentence, but I’m aware that some of those things describe me as well (and they’re not the good ones haha). Well, I’m not judgemental, but I find that I need to make smart choices about who to actually be close to, and who not to – because I do value quality over quantity, and I treat my close friends like family. It goes without saying that this process of elimination also shows me who to watch out for, and who to avoid, which I find is very important to know. Anyway, I’m certainly not about to be insincere to people who are sincere to me and vice versa, so I’m generally upfront about how I feel about people, and I’m mostly with them as they are with me.

   So, back to my point, people are people, there may be some differences based on their individual circumstances, but broadly, people are the same. In every society, you will find wonderful people, and you will find truly horrible people, and then, there’s everything in between. Nationality, race, cast, creed – none of this matters, when it gets down to it. People are people, and there’s no escaping that reality, which may have its negative sides, but also, it means that there is still such good in people, just that it’s at different depths. With some people, it’s bubbling at the surface, and with others, not so much, and also, it is important to keep in mind, that, no matter how good a person can be, they will have their faults, and their quirks. I find it useful to observe and pick up on them – just to be aware of them. It may come as no surprise to you that I don’t like surprises, and God knows that I have been let down far too many times to not wonder, from the start, where each person’s cracks may be – just to protect myself against any potential hurt. When I go in with my eyes open, I know exactly when to check out, before any kind of relationship hits dire straits, and in some cases, I identify a situation where I can stand by my friend, and in the process, strengthen my friendship with them, because their crazy may match my crazy (straight outta Deadpool’s mouth - lol).

So there it is – now you know what I meant, and my job here is done. 

On friends and disagreements...

I have been a student for most of my life, and lived in student accommodations for half of it, in 4 different countries. As such, I have seen my fair share of personalities pass me by, of which, some became my friends - most of them, short term, and a much smaller number actually surprised me by sticking with me for all these years. I am, for the most part, an independent person, but I do enjoy having a small number of great friends.

If you've read my other blogs, you'll know me to be an observer of life - not intentional, just something I've always done to make sense of my environment. It could be my introversion, my personality and/or my past experiences that makes me very cautious, because I'm constantly on guard, observing and assessing people around me and how they react to me, the things I say, and things in general. Since I've lived alone for a long time, I call this a survival instinct, because I can sense it when someone can be trouble, and when I do listen, I avoid it. Whatever it is, I find that it is spot on, even when I wish it could be wrong.

When I meet someone for the first time, I usually am far more vigilant - with some people, something about them puts me off straight away, and I decide straight away that I want to have as little to do with them as possible. On occasion, I take to someone almost instantly, and we are great friends right from the start. However, being as cautious as I am, this assessment is an ongoing process. With my closest friends, I feel at peace, relaxed and understood, and conversation flows with close to no effort. And then, there are some people who don't make it to either extreme - I like talking to them, but try as I might, I just can't bring myself to trust them.

I have a certain friend who would fall under this category. Let's call her Mae, for this story (I'm hoping I have no actual friends with a name similar to this - at least, I can't think of any). Anyway. Mae and I met randomly. We weren't the best of friends on day one. We talked sporadically, but we spoke a lot when we did, mostly over Facebook chat, but we also moved in similar circles, so we got to see each other a lot that way, and we got to talk a lot more - that's how we became friends. I found her very tricky to be friends with, because, even though she hates being called a teenager, her behaviour was typical. At certain times, friendly, sweet, nice to talk to, and at other times, dependent and clingy (at one stage) or moody, impish, sulky, bored, difficult to please - like a child in a lot of ways, but in an adult body - in other words....yes, a teenager! On this occasion, I fought my every instinct and forced myself to trust this person, but what I kept seeing and sensing right in front of me - how she was with me, and with others lead me to keep having my doubts. I was friends with her, and was, for all intents and purposes, her friend, but even though I tried, my heart wasn't really in it. I was happy with the fact that I was being nice to her, but really unhappy that I let myself get close to her, where I constantly felt like I needed to be the adult among children. Being at that phase where I'm enjoying the fact that I am an adult, and my only real responsibility is myself, this felt very uncomfortable for me.

Anyway, it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that I operate entirely on trust, especially with those closest to me. Now, I also have a tendency to try to reciprocate when a friend seems to trust me, even if I am unable to really trust them (not always, but it has happened a few times). She seemed to open up to me and treat me like a best friend, so I told myself that I shouldn't be that critical, and played the part, to not feel guilty that someone tried to reach out to me, and I rudely cut them off.

I've heard that adversity separates the wheat from the chaff - that seemed to happen when I was at a low point for a few months last year because I've been job hunting, and life happened, and let's just say that I was super whiny and just not a delight to be around. In my normal state, I'm calm and zen - it takes a lot to upset me, but when something really upsets me, I ruminate - the negative side of an anxious person. I've always been a recluse when I'm very upset about something, because I take time to sift through every detail of what happened in my mind - to come to terms with it. I have an internal dialogue with myself to understand what happened - objectively, and to really learn from it, so that I get better at handling the challenging situation, if it happens again. Much like our immune system does. This time, I had a few close friends who would spend a lot of time around me even then. Needless to say, I was annoying AF - a real piece of work, because the time I would otherwise spend in quiet contemplation, I was surrounded by my best friend and a few other good friends - so I ended up ruminating verbally, to them. My closest friends were patient with me for the most part, but reprimanded the unhelpful rumination, telling me how annoying they found it - as often as they needed to.

I knew how I must have sounded to them, so I fully understood and appreciated the reprimand, because it counts as communication, and I'm of the belief that in any kind of close relationship - family/friends, communication is crucial - especially when it comes to communicating annoyance/dissatisfaction. It gave me the chance to apologize and check myself - and even if it initially didn't seem that way, I was really trying to keep the whining down. It eventually worked, and now, I barely ever talk about it.

Mae is very concerned with being politically correct all the time, and she mentioned it mildly once or twice, in a voice that belied the extent of her dissatisfaction, and when I continued to bring it up by accident (because that's how much I was ruminating), she decided to silently stew in her dissatisfaction, and complain about me to a mutual friend. After about 2 months of this, during which, our friendship, although seemingly unchanged on the surface, was slowly deteriorating, our mutual friend finally convinced Mae to speak to me about it.

She did bring it up, but did so in a very speech-like manner at first, and then seemed to become confrontational, raising her voice and focusing on inconsequential details. When her tone started to get confrontational, and seemed more like a whining teen and a cornered animal, I decided not to take the bait, so I gently shut it down with a simple statement of apology that I'm sorry for having annoyed her, and that my expectation was that she should communicate directly to me about any dissatisfaction she may have with me. She said that that was who she was, that she is afraid of confrontation, and so she wouldn't communicate dissatisfaction, no matter how serious it got.

I don't think communication and confrontation are the same at all. Communication involves people with the intention of furthering and healing the relationship just talking in a calm, maybe passionate tone (at most) about what happened, and the focus would be on trying to express their side while, at the same time, trying to understand the other person's side, to meet them halfway. This would generally mean that a resolution would be reached, and the relationship would continue, stronger than before. Confrontation, on the other hand, is self-seeking, negative, possibly rushed and forced, where no real regard is shown for the other person, and whether it is indicative of the end of a relationship or not, it definitely wouldn't strengthen it. Words are spoken in an accusatory tone, mainly done with the intention of palming off the blame - in an attempt to seem like a victim. This would generally elicit a similar reaction from the opponent who would try to do the same - basically, they would have an unhelpful discussion that would only deepen the rift.

What I expected was that she would accept my apology, and at least try to meet me half way, and say that next time, she would at least try to tell me if there was something I was doing that was bothering her. I don't think that's asking for much. She seemed unconcerned with my apology - she didn't seem to want/expect it - she flatly stated that communicating wasn't her style, and that she just puts up with things. Well, she doesn't just put up with things - what she does do, is not talk about it, but get sulky and annoying when she's annoyed. Look, I don't sweat the small stuff, but I would hate to willfully annoy my friends - so, to me, not communicating just meant that I would constantly have to walk on eggshells around her, trying to guess what each of her reactions meant, or constantly try to please her. In other words, that was her asking far too much of me, because I would never be able to fully relax around her if that was to continue. Also, I am not about to constantly try to please anyone - I was raised as a people-pleaser, and I know first hand that it helps no one - it just breeds more contempt and dysfunction.

From the time I met her, our friendship was unequal - in that I really tried - maybe she did too (I don't know at this point), but when she said that she wasn't even willing to try communicating, a switch seemed to go off in my mind, and I just stopped caring what she felt, and any feelings of closeness I had fostered for her just flew out the window.

To add to this, there were a few other idiosyncrasies of hers that were constantly getting on my nerves before any of this happened - because she is not the typical type of person that I would be close friends with. These idiosyncrasies didn't exactly have much to do with how she was with me, but it was about who she is and what she brings to the table in general. I usually am closest to progressive, broadminded, self-aware, mature people with life experience to have their own opinions and a unique personality, not overly influenced by their environment. Mae is intelligent, but lacks the maturity and depth of personality that life experience gives you, and the closer I got to her, the more this really showed, so I couldn't interact with her on an equal level - it brought to light that really, except for the people we knew and a few interests we may have shared, we were just two very different people with different priorities. In spite of some difficult experiences, which may be unique to her situation, she has lived a very sheltered life.

I have had anything but a sheltered life, constantly having to forge my own path, through the thicket. In my short life, I have lived in a war torn country, ventured out when I was 15 to study away in a country away from where my parents lived at the time. A victim of bullying right through elementary and middle school, and with parents who had complete faith in the school system, I've known what it is like to feel completely alone in the world, with no one to turn to. I've had to fight to find my true identity - as an only child, with an unhappy, friendless childhood (this is not an exaggeration), growing up in different countries - I can keep going, there's an extensive list as to why I don't fit neatly in a box. I've fought tooth and nail - for everything that I've got so far in my life, facing failure and heartache alone - faced adversity after adversity on my own, getting back up on my feet and pushing through it each time. This is definitely the reason why I constantly rely on God for my life - he has seen me through every seemingly impossible situation. In spite of my parents being there in the background, there's only so much you can tell them because they're miles away, and can't really do much. That said, in my adult life, they have done everything they can to be there for me.

There's not much that's more grueling and demoralizing as a job hunt - my job hunt has lasted nearly 2 years, on a visa, doing 2 part time jobs that don't do much except barely put food on the table, trying to be in a hundred places at once. At one point, I've even known what it's like to ration my meals (no, I didn't go hungry, but I did have to be very careful to make sure I don't). That sort of life changes you. I'm definitely not ashamed of it - I've survived it, so I'm even proud that I got to come up against these things and still moved forward. It's difficult to put it into words, but I have come to always be prepared for the other shoe to drop - because in my life, "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong" - it has always happened, so I always have back up plans for every single thing I do,  I never take anything for granted, and never really make long term plans, because in my experience, there really is no point. I do have a vision in life, and I have life goals, but I don't make specific long term plans with any one person. This list also comes with me not wasting time with dead ends - people, relationships - anything. If it's much more trouble than it's worth, it's just got to go.

The reason I didn't bring up my annoyance with Mae was because, if I did, I would be asking her not to be herself, and I don't think that is something anyone should ask of anyone. That's why I generally choose my friends very carefully - because I want to appreciate them for who they are, and who they will grow to be, without expecting them to change for me. However, her idiosyncrasies independently wouldn't have made me want to shut her out, because, when she is by herself, and not being impish, she can be sweet and endearing. My problem was entirely with one thing - when a person is not willing to communicate openly, I don't see any room for growth in that relationship, and it doesn't foster trust - and I'm not willing to keep a vestigial friendship in my life. The moment it looses its meaning and honesty, most friendships/relationships would just dwindle, and die a slow, painful death. I guess I just instantly put an end to it in my mind, to save us both the trouble. The less I invest, the less I feel annoyed or jilted.

This is it : ultimately, when I'm faced with deviousness of any kind, intended or not - I don't find it cute. Maybe I can bring myself to laugh it off, the first few times - as you do, with any new trick - but then it gets to me really quickly. The moment I lose trust for the person, I kick the person out of my life for good, or at least keep them at a distance, where I wouldn't have to bother with them anymore - because, to me, not doing that straight away has always proven to be a complete waste of time and effort - and as a septic limb would do, the infection would creep into the rest of my body and kill me, if I postpone the amputation.        

Thankfully, I have had one or two other experiences like this before, so I didn't make the same mistakes this time, and I don't feel any guilt about doing what I've gotta do. I've tried, for the duration of our friendship - I failed - and I'm just well and truly done now, so it's simply time to move on.

The Importance of Having Perspective...

All of us go through life facing event after event, and perceiving them as problems/opportunities /setbacks /blessings. As much as a lot of us (often, myself included) would love to debate and disagree with this point, what makes an event good or bad is more in the perception of it than the actual nature of the problem itself. Some would even go so far as to say that the problems are not external, but internal - "the monsters that haunt our minds". Granted, some people do have a far more difficult life than others - but time and time again, we read about people who have literally defied all odds, to rise as flowers that bloom in the midst of such adversity. The countless stories of people who made it through world wars, poverty, destitution, famine, and near death never cease to fascinate us because these people saw adversity as opportunity.

This outlook of seeing setbacks as opportunities springs from a) the need to survive, and b) having perspective. A lot of us in what we see as a tough spot can't see past the immediate rush of negative emotions, and we struggle to think objectively, about how the problem can be used to our advantage, but if you have bested a situation - even once in your life, which most us probably have - you'd know that there is an unparalleled sense of accomplishment that comes out of it.

If you scroll through my blog posts, you'll find one that speaks of something similar - "Will it matter in 5 years?" Although it isn't exactly applicable to every situation, I find it useful to use that question in times of conflict, just thinking - "Will this friend of mine still be in my life in 5 years time? Is it worth making the effort to resolve a certain issue? Or is it best to just move on?" It helps me prioritize, for sure, but perspective isn't just about prioritizing, is it? It's about fully understanding a situation for what it is, what it entails, what it requires you to do, where it fits in your life and your vision for the future. This understanding helps you make informed decisions about the little things, giving your life purpose and direction.

Perspective also fuels self awareness as you iron out your own beliefs and find out where you stand, in accordance with various issues. The best thing about perspective, however, is that it can be given, or sought, from a trusted friend.

I love love, but I also fear it because of its power to ravage a person. Wrought with emotion, driven by it, you become almost unrecognizable - there's elation when it goes right - joy and peace, the feeling of being fully accepted, but on the flip side, is insanity, when it doesn't - despair, jealousy/envy, anger and disappointment. It can also make you feel vulnerable and powerless, if your feelings aren't reciprocated. As a result, anyone who knows what's good for them goes through life, carefully protecting their hearts from being broken. And yet, very occasionally, we're lulled into a sense of security, where we let ourselves be swept up by love, and don't get me wrong, it can be great, but it also has the potential to go the other way.

Very recently, I felt immensely burdened by a similar issue, almost to the point where I felt stifled by my negative emotions - I felt like I couldn't escape it, and at a point, I admit, I had started to wallow. My guarded nature makes sure that I am usually a calm, composed person. I'm usually reserved when I'm not among close friends, and in general, I've always been considered the sane, mature one. So you would understand my mortification when every time I met said person, instead of being my best self, I would unintentionally make a massive ass of myself.

Needless to say, the embarrassment I felt only made me mess up more every time, and believe me, the total lack of control is not a good feeling - it's like sitting behind a wheel in a car that drives itself - recklessly, too. My attempts to fix it only seemed to make things worse - to the point where even though I thoroughly enjoyed that person, and the wonderful qualities I admired and respected in him, I dreaded meeting him because I was worried about how I would embarrass myself next.

I couldn't have gotten through this if not for two of my closest friends. One of them, from India, actually would spend hours listening to me talk about this. I'm sure the flood of text messages must have irked him, but he was very patient, and would counsel me through it, making it seem like he was never too far away to talk, in spite of having an incredibly busy schedule.

Try as I might, I could not make myself move on from this person I was in love with, as the person was someone who met my expectations, and I was beyond just smitten - enamored, more like. My every attempt to seem normal would blow up in my face. He did me the kindness of seeming oblivious to my massive fails, but unfortunately, that only made me appreciate him more. In my other best friend's words "I saw him as the perfect male model." We also joked between ourselves that he shouldn't hear it, lest he get a big head, but knowing him, I knew he wouldn't. Pfft! I'm still doing it, aren't I? *rolls eyes* Oh alright, in reality, I responded to my friend's comment about him getting a big head with: "Oh, which one?" *wink* and got a laugh and a high five in return.

Well, the actual reason why I saw him as the perfect male model was because I wish there were more men like him. He is by no means the best looking guy I've ever met, or the strongest or the most educated, but he is one only two of the most masculine men I have ever met, who weren't already married or people I think of as family. I'm definitely not saying that he's ugly, stupid and scrawny - he definitely isn't any of those things, but I have met people who are better in each of the regular categories that women find attracts them to men, but he is IMHO one of the most masculine men I've met so far. Why, you ask? No? Well you know I'm gonna tell you anyway!

He laughs with you and jokes with you, does regular things that others do, but you always feel respected and safe with him around. All the things you would expect of a perfect gentleman, you would see in him.

In a word filled with guys who act like babies or like chauvinists or worse, here was someone I saw as a hero, someone I could trust, and respect and admire. He also had a mind of his own. That's what made him unique. (Okay I can't avoid reading that in a trailer voice)

Anyway, my point of discussing this embarrassing experience was to point out the massive difference it made when I spoke to another best friend about this, who knew me, and the guy I was smitten with. His complete understanding of the situation, my reaction to it and how I was feeling, as a result, completely took me by surprise. This is exactly why I enjoy having best friends who are guys. I have always admired their ability to be objective, and yet be incredibly understanding and supportive. In all my years of having male and female friends, I find that girls are all about telling you what you want to hear, whereas guys tell you what you need to hear. As a person who prefers the latter, I form better friendships with men than women.

Although he could fully empathize with my predicament, he also gave me much needed perspective on how the guy saw it, and what he could have been thinking. Even though some of it was difficult to hear, I found it liberating, to know the things my best friend told me. In a more impressive show of understanding, my best friend answered questions I had been repeatedly asking myself in my mind without even my needing to ask it out loud.

Although I was feeling like a massive idiot for falling for someone who clearly didn't see me that way, feeling so completely understood felt incredibly empowering. He said that I hadn't fallen for someone willy-nilly, I had spent time with this person, made a genuine attempt to get to know him, and that I had fallen for the person, not the person's external attributes, or the idea of him. My favourite line in that conversation was "Of course it would hurt." He also said that my passion and affection should be spent on someone who would be more receptive to it. I felt proud to have someone who could be my voice of reason, because,in my state, I couldn't have explained it better myself.

In this situation, perspective from the right person provided me with much needed closure, and now I feel ready to move on.


Now, now, I understand that my example may seem trivial in comparison to people surviving the holocaust - and indeed it is - but we don't all face situations in life that are as big as surviving the holocaust,do we? Much of our lives are peppered with trivial issues, some of which affect us more than others. It definitely helps to pay attention to the story that our life is, as individuals, we are protagonists of our own stories. It most definitely ties in to my statement, saying that it wasn't the nature of the issue itself that determined the size of the issue, but the perception.

When you give someone  perspective, you're essentially altering their perception of the issue they are struggling to see all of, and sometimes, this can be all that person needs to move on.

That's why I chose this story. First of all, it's relatable - everyone has fallen in love with someone or something in their lives, everyone has faced disappointment in some form and while not everyone may have embarrassed themselves as much as I did, well, now you know what its like, how it feels, and maybe reading what my friend told me may help you gain closure as well, if you are in a similar situation.

I also read an article on Brain Pickings that put things in perspective for me - we often forget that life is ongoing. If we embrace the growth mindset, we would always understand that we don't need to be perfect - we're a work in progress, and that's how we'll be for as long as we live. That way, our mistakes don't feel as crushing, because we'll know that we at least tried, and then, we learn from our mistakes, and constantly look for ways to grow. Now tell me, would you rather put pressure on yourself to constantly prove to be the best at a finite number of qualities you're supposedly born with, or keep adding more feathers to your cap as you go along in life?

On gender roles...

This post will be slightly disjointed, as it contains my opinions and beliefs about gender roles in tandem than me trying to tell a story. 

In the past few decades, there is a less and less need for feminist movements, especially in the first world. The typical urban woman is empowered enough to not actually need a man in her life, an yet, there is still a significant number of women (almost all) who - even secretly - want a man who would cherish and take care of her.

I wouldn't call myself a feminist, not when it is now all about people who take offence for the slightest thing. Our generation is obsessed with everything being politically correct - it's exhausting. I'm not advocating racism or sexism or any kind of discrimination. I'm just against people who are overly sensitive. Me, being non-Caucasian and a woman suggests that I could have been subject to sexism and racism, and well, maybe I have, but for the most part, I am a strong individual, and it doesn't affect me much. As a principle, I treat everyone with respect, and I like to think that I earn my respect in the way I behave in general, and in how I react in a bad situation.

I do not believe in the highly romanticized version of a man saving me from my life. I quite like my life - warts and all. I wouldn't say that it has been ideal, and in no way has it been easy, but it has been a good life, in which - a) I am living, not just existing, b) I have been progressing and growing for most of it, c) I have amazing, supportive parents, who had a little trouble figuring out parenthood at first, but are now totally nailing this parenting thing, and d) I have an amazing, eclectic, highly diverse bunch of friends, from over 23 nationalities. To me, at present, life can be a bit better, since I'm in transition, and an ambitious person looking for a job; but it doesn't mean that I am dissatisfied with my life in general. I love the life I've had - it's what got me to where I am now.

So, no - not looking for a guy to save me from my life.

I don't necessarily need a man to pay for my living. I've been well educated - I don't have a job yet, but I am convinced that I will find one eventually; so I am pretty sure that even if I may not necessarily have a palatial home and a personal stylist to dress me everyday, I will be content with my earnings as long as it supports my life and lets me indulge in a few things I find nice from time to time. I'm not particularly big on wanting overly expensive, overpriced things. I love to travel and I love new experiences. I also do have a bucket list.

Thinking along these lines, the average woman may not necessarily need a man for the things women used to think they needed men for. We are social animals, though, and what all of us crave (men and women) is companionship. We like a little romance in our lives, we have the need to belong, and that is probably why people keep having children. Who would willingly sign up for the truckload of work that is attached to having children if it didn't mean more than just what it is? Having children would mean that you lose your freedom, sleep and privacy, among other things. Since I don't particularly feel clucky at the moment, I'd say that I'd much rather prefer a good day's work and a full night's rest, thanks, but wouldn't everyone want that?

Feminists spent years and years striving for gender equality, and now, somehow, are still dissatisfied, and want superiority.

"To be happy, we must admit that men and women are not equal".

(Lol - to anyone who is now contemplating murder: please, hold your horses, and read on.)

What I believe in, is that we are differently wired, based on research findings by Verma et al., University of Pennsylvania in 2013. People believed that women were more capable of multitasking than men because they had a larger corpus callosum. However, according to this research, they say that size is of no consequence, as a man does have a larger brain compared to women, and a larger copus callosum because of obvious differences in skull size. What is different, is that men have stronger anterior-posterior connections whereas women have stronger lateral connections.

Therefore, my belief is that we are built differently, and have different inherent strengths and weaknesses. In any effective team, all the team members will be playing to their strengths. If they didn't, there would be discord within the team, and it would not be functioning as a unit; and a team that is not working together is bound to fail at every turn. A marriage is almost entirely about teamwork. If it is to be any good, both individuals cannot and should not fight for leadership, and it cannot be unbalanced. If it is unbalanced, the person picking up the slack ends up being resentful and frustrated. If it is a constant power struggle, there will be no peace.

Harmonious living, therefore, is about identifying things that we each are good at, being willing to appreciate one another for these things, and in general, being positive, enthusiastic and uplifting. I don't mean to say that they need to put on an act, but just being honest and transparent with each other about various things would prevent a build up of resentment. Being reasonable overall and willing to put aside ego would help smooth things out.

Not to generalize, but for most women, nurturing and caring comes easy, and for a lot of men, protecting and providing seems to come naturally. What I mean to say, is that putting stereotypes aside, if a woman feels blissful being a mother, and a man feels validated and happy when he is able to provide for his family, then, gender roles must exist for a reason. Maybe not all men and women are like that, but a general assumption would say that this is true of several individuals. I wouldn't say that this would mean that a woman's domain is the kitchen, and she should stay in it, and men should stay out, but I think, by default, most women play an important role in a family as mothers.

Even chauvinistic men have to agree that they owe a lot of their success to their mothers, and even the most ardent feminists will have to agree that they were once daddy's little girls. Or maybe they weren't - I can't speak for everyone, but we all agree that parents play a very important role in the family. 

Based on how non-harmonious the parents' relationship is, there's a confusion when daddy doesn't do things a daddy would do, and mum doesn't do what a mum usually would do. Years of defining these roles took it to an extreme when chauvinism was at its heights, and now, the pendulum swings in the opposite direction.

In saying that, I don't mean to say that men, if your wife is sick, and cannot care for the child, that you would be justified in saying that caring for the child is "not in your job description". Just as you would cover for each other in a team, occasionally picking up slack is excellent for team morale, as it is a genuine show of support. In a marriage, it is more pronounced than in anything else, but it comes as a package - you do, after all, vow to love and support each other 'in sickness and in health'.

I think that a man leads in a relationship/marriage, and is happiest when he does, but a man who is successful in said marriage, is someone who will respect his wife and her input in the decisions they make to build a life together. Leadership is not about seizing control and ruling with an iron fist - it's about being able to encourage all the members of the team (the family) to be the best they can be - and this will motivate them to be their best, out of loyalty to you.

Fear and pain can be good motivators, but loyalty is the greatest of them all, because it can only be earned, and never forced or bought.