All of us go through life facing event after event, and perceiving them as problems/opportunities /setbacks /blessings. As much as a lot of us (often, myself included) would love to debate and disagree with this point, what makes an event good or bad is more in the perception of it than the actual nature of the problem itself. Some would even go so far as to say that the problems are not external, but internal - "the monsters that haunt our minds". Granted, some people do have a far more difficult life than others - but time and time again, we read about people who have literally defied all odds, to rise as flowers that bloom in the midst of such adversity. The countless stories of people who made it through world wars, poverty, destitution, famine, and near death never cease to fascinate us because these people saw adversity as opportunity.
This outlook of seeing setbacks as opportunities springs from a) the need to survive, and b) having perspective. A lot of us in what we see as a tough spot can't see past the immediate rush of negative emotions, and we struggle to think objectively, about how the problem can be used to our advantage, but if you have bested a situation - even once in your life, which most us probably have - you'd know that there is an unparalleled sense of accomplishment that comes out of it.
If you scroll through my blog posts, you'll find one that speaks of something similar - "Will it matter in 5 years?" Although it isn't exactly applicable to every situation, I find it useful to use that question in times of conflict, just thinking - "Will this friend of mine still be in my life in 5 years time? Is it worth making the effort to resolve a certain issue? Or is it best to just move on?" It helps me prioritize, for sure, but perspective isn't just about prioritizing, is it? It's about fully understanding a situation for what it is, what it entails, what it requires you to do, where it fits in your life and your vision for the future. This understanding helps you make informed decisions about the little things, giving your life purpose and direction.
Perspective also fuels self awareness as you iron out your own beliefs and find out where you stand, in accordance with various issues. The best thing about perspective, however, is that it can be given, or sought, from a trusted friend.
I love love, but I also fear it because of its power to ravage a person. Wrought with emotion, driven by it, you become almost unrecognizable - there's elation when it goes right - joy and peace, the feeling of being fully accepted, but on the flip side, is insanity, when it doesn't - despair, jealousy/envy, anger and disappointment. It can also make you feel vulnerable and powerless, if your feelings aren't reciprocated. As a result, anyone who knows what's good for them goes through life, carefully protecting their hearts from being broken. And yet, very occasionally, we're lulled into a sense of security, where we let ourselves be swept up by love, and don't get me wrong, it can be great, but it also has the potential to go the other way.
Very recently, I felt immensely burdened by a similar issue, almost to the point where I felt stifled by my negative emotions - I felt like I couldn't escape it, and at a point, I admit, I had started to wallow. My guarded nature makes sure that I am usually a calm, composed person. I'm usually reserved when I'm not among close friends, and in general, I've always been considered the sane, mature one. So you would understand my mortification when every time I met said person, instead of being my best self, I would unintentionally make a massive ass of myself.
Needless to say, the embarrassment I felt only made me mess up more every time, and believe me, the total lack of control is not a good feeling - it's like sitting behind a wheel in a car that drives itself - recklessly, too. My attempts to fix it only seemed to make things worse - to the point where even though I thoroughly enjoyed that person, and the wonderful qualities I admired and respected in him, I dreaded meeting him because I was worried about how I would embarrass myself next.
I couldn't have gotten through this if not for two of my closest friends. One of them, from India, actually would spend hours listening to me talk about this. I'm sure the flood of text messages must have irked him, but he was very patient, and would counsel me through it, making it seem like he was never too far away to talk, in spite of having an incredibly busy schedule.
Try as I might, I could not make myself move on from this person I was in love with, as the person was someone who met my expectations, and I was beyond just smitten - enamored, more like. My every attempt to seem normal would blow up in my face. He did me the kindness of seeming oblivious to my massive fails, but unfortunately, that only made me appreciate him more. In my other best friend's words "I saw him as the perfect male model." We also joked between ourselves that he shouldn't hear it, lest he get a big head, but knowing him, I knew he wouldn't. Pfft! I'm still doing it, aren't I? *rolls eyes* Oh alright, in reality, I responded to my friend's comment about him getting a big head with: "Oh, which one?" *wink* and got a laugh and a high five in return.
Well, the actual reason why I saw him as the perfect male model was because I wish there were more men like him. He is by no means the best looking guy I've ever met, or the strongest or the most educated, but he is one only two of the most masculine men I have ever met, who weren't already married or people I think of as family. I'm definitely not saying that he's ugly, stupid and scrawny - he definitely isn't any of those things, but I have met people who are better in each of the regular categories that women find attracts them to men, but he is IMHO one of the most masculine men I've met so far. Why, you ask? No? Well you know I'm gonna tell you anyway!
He laughs with you and jokes with you, does regular things that others do, but you always feel respected and safe with him around. All the things you would expect of a perfect gentleman, you would see in him.
In a word filled with guys who act like babies or like chauvinists or worse, here was someone I saw as a hero, someone I could trust, and respect and admire. He also had a mind of his own. That's what made him unique. (Okay I can't avoid reading that in a trailer voice)
Anyway, my point of discussing this embarrassing experience was to point out the massive difference it made when I spoke to another best friend about this, who knew me, and the guy I was smitten with. His complete understanding of the situation, my reaction to it and how I was feeling, as a result, completely took me by surprise. This is exactly why I enjoy having best friends who are guys. I have always admired their ability to be objective, and yet be incredibly understanding and supportive. In all my years of having male and female friends, I find that girls are all about telling you what you want to hear, whereas guys tell you what you need to hear. As a person who prefers the latter, I form better friendships with men than women.
Although he could fully empathize with my predicament, he also gave me much needed perspective on how the guy saw it, and what he could have been thinking. Even though some of it was difficult to hear, I found it liberating, to know the things my best friend told me. In a more impressive show of understanding, my best friend answered questions I had been repeatedly asking myself in my mind without even my needing to ask it out loud.
Although I was feeling like a massive idiot for falling for someone who clearly didn't see me that way, feeling so completely understood felt incredibly empowering. He said that I hadn't fallen for someone willy-nilly, I had spent time with this person, made a genuine attempt to get to know him, and that I had fallen for the person, not the person's external attributes, or the idea of him. My favourite line in that conversation was "Of course it would hurt." He also said that my passion and affection should be spent on someone who would be more receptive to it. I felt proud to have someone who could be my voice of reason, because,in my state, I couldn't have explained it better myself.
In this situation, perspective from the right person provided me with much needed closure, and now I feel ready to move on.
Now, now, I understand that my example may seem trivial in comparison to people surviving the holocaust - and indeed it is - but we don't all face situations in life that are as big as surviving the holocaust,do we? Much of our lives are peppered with trivial issues, some of which affect us more than others. It definitely helps to pay attention to the story that our life is, as individuals, we are protagonists of our own stories. It most definitely ties in to my statement, saying that it wasn't the nature of the issue itself that determined the size of the issue, but the perception.
When you give someone perspective, you're essentially altering their perception of the issue they are struggling to see all of, and sometimes, this can be all that person needs to move on.
That's why I chose this story. First of all, it's relatable - everyone has fallen in love with someone or something in their lives, everyone has faced disappointment in some form and while not everyone may have embarrassed themselves as much as I did, well, now you know what its like, how it feels, and maybe reading what my friend told me may help you gain closure as well, if you are in a similar situation.
I also read an article on Brain Pickings that put things in perspective for me - we often forget that life is ongoing. If we embrace the growth mindset, we would always understand that we don't need to be perfect - we're a work in progress, and that's how we'll be for as long as we live. That way, our mistakes don't feel as crushing, because we'll know that we at least tried, and then, we learn from our mistakes, and constantly look for ways to grow. Now tell me, would you rather put pressure on yourself to constantly prove to be the best at a finite number of qualities you're supposedly born with, or keep adding more feathers to your cap as you go along in life?
This outlook of seeing setbacks as opportunities springs from a) the need to survive, and b) having perspective. A lot of us in what we see as a tough spot can't see past the immediate rush of negative emotions, and we struggle to think objectively, about how the problem can be used to our advantage, but if you have bested a situation - even once in your life, which most us probably have - you'd know that there is an unparalleled sense of accomplishment that comes out of it.
If you scroll through my blog posts, you'll find one that speaks of something similar - "Will it matter in 5 years?" Although it isn't exactly applicable to every situation, I find it useful to use that question in times of conflict, just thinking - "Will this friend of mine still be in my life in 5 years time? Is it worth making the effort to resolve a certain issue? Or is it best to just move on?" It helps me prioritize, for sure, but perspective isn't just about prioritizing, is it? It's about fully understanding a situation for what it is, what it entails, what it requires you to do, where it fits in your life and your vision for the future. This understanding helps you make informed decisions about the little things, giving your life purpose and direction.
Perspective also fuels self awareness as you iron out your own beliefs and find out where you stand, in accordance with various issues. The best thing about perspective, however, is that it can be given, or sought, from a trusted friend.
I love love, but I also fear it because of its power to ravage a person. Wrought with emotion, driven by it, you become almost unrecognizable - there's elation when it goes right - joy and peace, the feeling of being fully accepted, but on the flip side, is insanity, when it doesn't - despair, jealousy/envy, anger and disappointment. It can also make you feel vulnerable and powerless, if your feelings aren't reciprocated. As a result, anyone who knows what's good for them goes through life, carefully protecting their hearts from being broken. And yet, very occasionally, we're lulled into a sense of security, where we let ourselves be swept up by love, and don't get me wrong, it can be great, but it also has the potential to go the other way.
Very recently, I felt immensely burdened by a similar issue, almost to the point where I felt stifled by my negative emotions - I felt like I couldn't escape it, and at a point, I admit, I had started to wallow. My guarded nature makes sure that I am usually a calm, composed person. I'm usually reserved when I'm not among close friends, and in general, I've always been considered the sane, mature one. So you would understand my mortification when every time I met said person, instead of being my best self, I would unintentionally make a massive ass of myself.
Needless to say, the embarrassment I felt only made me mess up more every time, and believe me, the total lack of control is not a good feeling - it's like sitting behind a wheel in a car that drives itself - recklessly, too. My attempts to fix it only seemed to make things worse - to the point where even though I thoroughly enjoyed that person, and the wonderful qualities I admired and respected in him, I dreaded meeting him because I was worried about how I would embarrass myself next.
I couldn't have gotten through this if not for two of my closest friends. One of them, from India, actually would spend hours listening to me talk about this. I'm sure the flood of text messages must have irked him, but he was very patient, and would counsel me through it, making it seem like he was never too far away to talk, in spite of having an incredibly busy schedule.
Try as I might, I could not make myself move on from this person I was in love with, as the person was someone who met my expectations, and I was beyond just smitten - enamored, more like. My every attempt to seem normal would blow up in my face. He did me the kindness of seeming oblivious to my massive fails, but unfortunately, that only made me appreciate him more. In my other best friend's words "I saw him as the perfect male model." We also joked between ourselves that he shouldn't hear it, lest he get a big head, but knowing him, I knew he wouldn't. Pfft! I'm still doing it, aren't I? *rolls eyes* Oh alright, in reality, I responded to my friend's comment about him getting a big head with: "Oh, which one?" *wink* and got a laugh and a high five in return.
Well, the actual reason why I saw him as the perfect male model was because I wish there were more men like him. He is by no means the best looking guy I've ever met, or the strongest or the most educated, but he is one only two of the most masculine men I have ever met, who weren't already married or people I think of as family. I'm definitely not saying that he's ugly, stupid and scrawny - he definitely isn't any of those things, but I have met people who are better in each of the regular categories that women find attracts them to men, but he is IMHO one of the most masculine men I've met so far. Why, you ask? No? Well you know I'm gonna tell you anyway!
He laughs with you and jokes with you, does regular things that others do, but you always feel respected and safe with him around. All the things you would expect of a perfect gentleman, you would see in him.
In a word filled with guys who act like babies or like chauvinists or worse, here was someone I saw as a hero, someone I could trust, and respect and admire. He also had a mind of his own. That's what made him unique. (Okay I can't avoid reading that in a trailer voice)
Anyway, my point of discussing this embarrassing experience was to point out the massive difference it made when I spoke to another best friend about this, who knew me, and the guy I was smitten with. His complete understanding of the situation, my reaction to it and how I was feeling, as a result, completely took me by surprise. This is exactly why I enjoy having best friends who are guys. I have always admired their ability to be objective, and yet be incredibly understanding and supportive. In all my years of having male and female friends, I find that girls are all about telling you what you want to hear, whereas guys tell you what you need to hear. As a person who prefers the latter, I form better friendships with men than women.
Although he could fully empathize with my predicament, he also gave me much needed perspective on how the guy saw it, and what he could have been thinking. Even though some of it was difficult to hear, I found it liberating, to know the things my best friend told me. In a more impressive show of understanding, my best friend answered questions I had been repeatedly asking myself in my mind without even my needing to ask it out loud.
Although I was feeling like a massive idiot for falling for someone who clearly didn't see me that way, feeling so completely understood felt incredibly empowering. He said that I hadn't fallen for someone willy-nilly, I had spent time with this person, made a genuine attempt to get to know him, and that I had fallen for the person, not the person's external attributes, or the idea of him. My favourite line in that conversation was "Of course it would hurt." He also said that my passion and affection should be spent on someone who would be more receptive to it. I felt proud to have someone who could be my voice of reason, because,in my state, I couldn't have explained it better myself.
In this situation, perspective from the right person provided me with much needed closure, and now I feel ready to move on.
Now, now, I understand that my example may seem trivial in comparison to people surviving the holocaust - and indeed it is - but we don't all face situations in life that are as big as surviving the holocaust,do we? Much of our lives are peppered with trivial issues, some of which affect us more than others. It definitely helps to pay attention to the story that our life is, as individuals, we are protagonists of our own stories. It most definitely ties in to my statement, saying that it wasn't the nature of the issue itself that determined the size of the issue, but the perception.
When you give someone perspective, you're essentially altering their perception of the issue they are struggling to see all of, and sometimes, this can be all that person needs to move on.
That's why I chose this story. First of all, it's relatable - everyone has fallen in love with someone or something in their lives, everyone has faced disappointment in some form and while not everyone may have embarrassed themselves as much as I did, well, now you know what its like, how it feels, and maybe reading what my friend told me may help you gain closure as well, if you are in a similar situation.
I also read an article on Brain Pickings that put things in perspective for me - we often forget that life is ongoing. If we embrace the growth mindset, we would always understand that we don't need to be perfect - we're a work in progress, and that's how we'll be for as long as we live. That way, our mistakes don't feel as crushing, because we'll know that we at least tried, and then, we learn from our mistakes, and constantly look for ways to grow. Now tell me, would you rather put pressure on yourself to constantly prove to be the best at a finite number of qualities you're supposedly born with, or keep adding more feathers to your cap as you go along in life?
