On recognizing your value..

Being born and raised in a conservative, but somewhat progressive Indian family, much of my childhood was all about the adults around me showing me 'how to be seen and not heard', being strict and unforgiving, and preaching that humility is the ultimate virtue.

As a result, I grew up thinking that shrinking myself, and making myself seem small in any situation was the right thing to do. In the society I lived in, humility was indeed a celebrated virtue, because people knew you, and your accomplishments, and so, your words didn't represent you, and people could tell your value from the outset because we all had somewhat relatable if not similar backgrounds. So they know your value from how you carried yourself and how you spoke. When I moved outside, however, my words represented who I was. People believed me when I sold myself short. Over time, slowly but surely, this affected my self-esteem, and thus began a negative thought spiral. 

While humility comes naturally to me, the consequences of shrinking myself to try to fit in, however, constantly conflicted with my free spirit. So, from a very young age, I appreciated solitude - fitting in became too much of a chore once my initial fascination with the group of friends faded away. I am a person who needs to understand the rules and accept them of my own volition to follow it. I always had questions about why our social construct was so....old. Yet, as conservative families often do, my parents shushed me, saying that rules mustn't be questioned. This sentiment was mirrored by all the adults around me, as I'm sure was mirrored by the adults they grew up around and so on. We were raised to just follow the rules - questioning our elders was seen as disrespectful - a big no-no. 

So, naturally, my childhood was difficult. I felt trapped, especially since we didn't live in India. As any immigrant would know, when you move to a new country, fully understanding and accepting your own culture can be a great strength. Faced with questions and people looking to you to represent your 5000-year-old culture is pressure enough without you having a million unanswered questions. I was raised as the poster-child for a woman in our culture, but some amount of progressiveness allowed me to fight for my further studies. 

Long story short, I moved a lot in my life. Of this, the best time I had was in India because, generally speaking, my values were aligned with the values of people there. They could relate to how I felt growing up, and more importantly, they had similar questions and similar frustrations. I was at home, with my people, who got me. For better or for worse, we were all in it together, and that sense of unity is something that still keeps me bound firmly to my culture. 

We mostly seem to have one problem. We were taught how to be and how not to be, but we weren't genuinely appreciated and celebrated in our families. Our families noticed when we made mistakes, but all the good things we did were just ignored. Their reasoning? They don't want us to get too comfortable. Indian parents love to keep us on our toes - constantly. If we aren't raking in the laurels, they see it as a failure on their part. 

In India, this makes complete sense - the population is steadily growing, and opportunities are quite limited, so the competition is fierce, and you must be ahead of the crowd to make it anywhere - but what I've noticed, even in myself, is that Indians never stop being Indians, no matter where they move to. 

The Western world has really understood good parenting in this aspect. They raise their kids knowing that they are loved and appreciated. They really know how to show their kids that they are valued. I must say this, though - not all Indian families are as conservative as mine, and not all Western families are the opposite - there is a lot of good and bad examples on both sides, and I know that each side has their own strengths and weaknesses. I am just picking up on one aspect for discussion here. 

In the past year, I've come to realize the significant disconnect between myself and my positive self-image. All my achievements and all my good attributes are like the Andaman and Nicobar Islands - still a part of me, but there's a body of water separating me from it. I find that I have unconsciously distanced myself from it in my attempt to be humble. Never taking credit, and always deflecting compliments, since this felt like arrogance, and arrogance stirred up guilt. Misguided, I know.

Guilt, however, had become an unwelcome visitor in my life, mainly because I was like Dennis the Menace growing up - always finding myself in some kind of trouble. So I was often seen as a troublemaker, growing up. Knowing my personality as an adult, I can see why I couldn't get along with other kids - we don't have a lot of choice as children, to choose the company we keep, or to seek out other groups of children. We go where we are taken. But I didn't know that as a child. I believed that there was something wrong with me. The inappropriate guilt stuck with me. I've outgrown most of it now, but there are still vestiges of it in my psyche, that rears its ugly head when I'm triggered or in a negative headspace due to some kind of situation. 

This left me vulnerable to many things - mainly, when others project their insecurities/struggles on me, I was easily affected. I never understood why I was so sensitive until I understood this. Our positive attributes form an important part of our identity. A strong sense of self is very important for us to function in the world. 

As much as it is important for us to know our flaws so we can work on them, it is equally, if not even more important for us to acknowledge and commend our achievements too. Our personal strength and confidence comes from knowing our strengths as well as our weaknesses, and accepting all of it without judgment. Only then can we truly see the world for what it is and understand where we fit. 

Do we need to fit in? No, no - a thousand times, NO. While it may feel good for a short time, fitting in invariably means that you play by someone else's rules. Me, I have always preferred to live life on my own terms. I embrace the solitude, only mingling with others on my terms. That way, you really experience life authentically and unapologetically.

I don't mean that we need to be bad human beings, or needlessly rebellious - as Mark Manson says, in his book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck", we need to pick our priorities. Really know what matters to you, and just let all the rest go. Life becomes far less complicated this way. 

Asking yourself - will it matter in 5 years? Will I be able to live without this? What happens if...? - will help you understand what truly matters to you, and it will help you to set up healthy boundaries. Everyone is capable of building resilience. If you go into every interaction knowing your values and opinions, and your value, you can easily extricate yourself from a situation when you find that your boundaries have been crossed. Life is way to short to keep limiting yourself and fitting in. Be willing to move on and start over in social situations. You live in a world of 7 billion people. You will never run out of people to meet. 

This doesn't mean that I'm incapable of warmth or kindness. Quite the opposite. I choose the people I surround myself with. Even with these people, if we have unreconcilable differences, I acknowledge that, and move on. It doesn't mean I don't like or respect them, but I actually move on because I feel that they shouldn't have to change their values on my account, so I move on and make more friends. 

When I moved to Australia, I realized that their social construct exists in a similar way to ours - not in essence, but in the fact that there is a vast majority of people who blindly follow rules without having the courage to challenge or question them. 

Life is dynamic, and life, as we know it, has sped up significantly compared to previous decades. While unquestioning acceptance may have worked for our grandparents, even our parents have realized the importance of truly understanding the reasoning behind the rules now. 

You'd think that our generation consists mainly of people who question, which, maybe it does, but I think the numbers would still be more like 60% free-thinkers to 40% unquestioning followers. Even I was surprised by young people who are still blind followers who enforce this kind of thinking in the people around them. The free-thinkers don't do this, because enforcing anything goes against free-thinking. 

The reason I support free-thinking is because it encourages and inspires a person to honestly pick what matters to them instead of just doing what their parents did or what others do.

However, let me tell you this. Our parents' ways do significantly influence our thoughts and ways. For instance, self-doubt and fear were some negative traits both my parents shared. I grew up around this, and while I am quite a daring person, I still have moments of self-doubt and fear, experiencing thought patterns not unlike what my parents feel. So I understand why people follow - it's easier, and it comes naturally. My point though, is to truly make friends with yourself. 

When you make yourself your best friend, you are much stronger, far more independent and very secure. Take time to remind yourself of your positive attributes, your hard work and your accomplishments. Ask yourself what you truly want from life. Ask yourself every question you would ask a best friend, and be completely honest and non-judgmental. 

Knowing and accepting yourself without judgment is absolutely key to self-love. Self-love is the source of all happiness. I'm not saying that you shouldn't acknowledge the parts of you that need improvement - rather, when you see the good and bad alike, you find a sense of purpose - you find hope and motivation to better your best in a positive way. You aren't doing it to please others, you are just trying to live your best life, and ultimately, that's all that truly matters. 

Living a life pleasing others and fitting in will only bring you misery. Who amongst us wouldn't want a friend/partner who is with you only because they strongly believe in you and in your relationship? Of course it would hurt if they left, but wouldn't you be much better off if the person left instead of staying and dragging you around on a string? Maybe I'm naive, and know nothing about marriages, but I think I prefer being in a meaningful relationship, where the person is aware of my positives and negatives, and makes a conscious choice to be with me, instead of just putting up with me. 

In my opinion, this kind of thinking would promote honesty and authenticity, which is what would make living truly worthwhile. 

When you weed out all the inauthentic people in your life, you become happier. To do this, you need to really understand that you are worthy of better quality. Know your value, and don't stick around where you aren't appreciated. See if you can make things better, or just cut your losses and leave. You can easily do this with friendships. If you just meet more people and really put people through the funnel, you can find a handful of great friends who you know will have your back, be with you through thick and thin, and be genuine in good times and bad.

It is a bit more complicated to do in a marriage, but that's probably what makes a strong case for dating people. You understand who people are, and what they're capable of before you commit to them.  

Living life on your terms only begins once you take a good look at yourself, and see the good in you first. See that you shouldn't have to just accept what's given to you - instead, knowing yourself and all that you're about, you should understand that life does not exist without rejection. The safer option always, always comes with a host of negative consequences. Take life by the horns, and know that whatever you do, you always have a choice. When you have a choice to make, remember to consider your options carefully, knowing fully well that 'none of the above' is also a valid choice. Life is fluid and dynamic. There will always be other opportunities if the choices at hand don't suit you.

While calculated risks are definitely a part of life, they should be on your terms too. Simply choose the option that appeals the most to you, honestly, and without having to justify yourself to anyone. Make your choices and own the consequences. Failure is an indication that you're trying. Find the lesson and keep persevering. The right opportunities are on their way.

Remember that you are a person of high value. Living life on your terms is going to be tough, and you will definitely face a lot of opposition, but what's important is that you always check if your choices align with your own personal values, which I hope, will consist of one line that says you shouldn't bring harm to yourself or to others.

Once you've checked with your conscience, you're all good to go!