Although I never even imagined this to be possible, I did have such a time. It was around the time I turned 21. It felt like as though God and life was almost being far too kind to me. It was almost as if I was walking on clouds - it was a dream-like state of pure, unadulterated joy. Even if something untoward did happen from time to time, it didn't seem too bad because it would get miraculously solved before I had time to hyperventilate over it, or, something wonderful would also happen simultaneously, so that the negativity of the bad thing would just vanish. Either way, I was peaceful, calm and inexplicably joyful. That was when I leant contentment. I learnt to count my blessings, instead of thinking of what I didn't have, and I built up my inner peace and strength. My priorities in life, and my overall attitude towards things I faced in life(good or bad) also changed. Not surprisingly, it was also a time when a multitude of philosophical questions I had were answered - hence the peace. With the help of a church I was attending at the time, and the contagious positivity and inner strength and clarity of a particularly close stranger at the time(one of my current best friends), I leant to harness my neurotic, over-thinking tendencies to the right place. It was a much needed transformation. It prepared me, strengthened and empowered me for the battles I was yet to face in life.
Then, around a year later, things started going south.Very, very slowly at first. So much so that I almost didn't feel the drop, but one thing was for certain - I wasn't walking on clouds anymore. There was peace, and it was a steady, constant state, where I wasn't too happy nor sad. I was just fine. I was still in the state of mind where I could be content. Then I started to feel the drop at a point. I thought things were bad, but I didn't know that it was just the beginning. The period of happiness, though, had empowered me sufficiently, to look at the trouble in a different way. I didn't worry about the problems I faced. I was intent on dealing with it instead, and so I did. For a year thereon, things did happen. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the worst problem, most of them hit a low 4 or 5, and were dealt with quickly. There was one thing though, that scarred me for life. It was the loss of my phone that I had bought at the start of my good times.
At times, I feel that it was symbolic - because, when I bought that phone, it was at that exact moment that my good times began, and on losing it, was the beginning of one of the darkest times of my life. Whatever the explanation to that thought is, this is what it seemed to be.
Shortly after I lost my phone, I enrolled for my Masters Programme. Things seemed to go wrong right from the start. There was no proper college accommodation, the place took getting used to, the syllabus was extremely vast, difficult, time was very limited, we were loaded with piles of work to do apart from just studying, there were exams ALL THE TIME and my health was definitely not corporating. I had a lot of trouble adjusting to my roommate's attitudes(that was a battle in and of itself), there was absolutely no holiday, no distraction, and I'm not sure how everyone else felt, but I was treading on eggshells all the while. Every single thing seemed to get me in trouble. There were hardly any occasions, and if there were any, they were all seriously under-rated and not fun. People were too serious, and everywhere I turned, I saw heady nerds, intoxicated by what the lecturers so spiritedly shoved down their throats - no, not just intoxicated - possessed.
That was so totally unlike what I was used to - every institution I had previously attended went about organizing functions in a grand and methodical way, not in a hurriedly thrown together way like this college seemed to find nice. In all the institutions I had previously attended, extra-curricular activities had been given importance. They wanted us to study, but not all the time. True, caz studying ALL the time is excruciatingly boring. It freaking hurts my head. Don't get me wrong, in this new college, their standards in teaching were extremely high and up-to-date, suiting international standards, and the syllabus was non restrictive - you could learn as much as you want with no qualms - in fact, the more you know, the better - but, they also make the mistake of making it look like our lives depended on it. Studying was all there was to life - it was chief. Eat, don't eat, sleep, don't sleep, bathe, don't bathe, they don't care so long as you can rattle off answers to any question they may randomly shoot at you. Studying is important, definitely, but it isn't everything, in my opinion.
When your house is on fire, you don't recall answers from what you learnt in class - well, maybe you do, if you learn related subjects, but you get my point - what's important at that time is a presence of mind and common sense to act wisely at that time.
In that time, I was just dying to hit a refresh button and start over. Instead, I was forced to keep ploughing on, while many others dropped out. The pressure drove a third of my class to leave the class, but I was one of those who refused to let any of it consume me. I chose to fight to the end. I still am. The result? It was excruciating at first, as I felt the plummet, as it gained momentum and I was stretched almost to breaking point when "BAM!" - I hit rock bottom. I had a severe mental block - I just could not set my mind to concentrate, and so I failed all my subjects. While some others around me cried over their failure, I was curiously benumbed. Of course, I felt upset, but I knew that it was going to happen - I expected to fail, but just not all of it. Well, then. I started scratching the walls, trying to find my way out of the deep dark hole I found myself in. It was the plummet(the sharp decline) that took its toll on me, my health and my spirit. Once I was past that, and the worst that had to happen had happened, I was just looking for a way to deal with the situation at hand, my failure.
The worst that happened during this time was the humiliation of being underestimated and, in general, being treated like a stupid person, which I know I'm not. Well, then there was also the humiliation of being lectured over and over again about how I must "work hard, and not waste time and my parents' money" by just about anyone. There was hardly anything I could say that wasn't rude. Sometimes I did retort, but then, I got tired of it, and then I just started ignoring. To some, that wasn't bad. To me, it was hell. I did my best to keep all of it buried. Only twice did the irritation really hit me hard, and I broke down. It was when a lecturer scolded me, treating me like an imbecile - add that to exam tension, and you get an explosion from within. This happened when they were conducting internals(for repeaters) for me. Since I value self respect more than life, it was particularly traumatic.
Most of this settled down when I shifted to a place where I could live by myself, and cook my own food, presented a research paper, then, a symposium - my presentations somehow managed to impress them. Also, my mother came to stay with me to help me out with the food and morale. She also took me travelling on one particular weekend to a temple. Travelling does wonders to my mindset. The mental block I was experiencing was slowly lifting, but still, I had to work very, very hard even to get what work I did get done. My pace had moved from frozen(stopped) to slow.Well, then, another exam came and went. I cleared 2 papers, failed 2 and wasn't allowed to appear for one.
Then, another semester began. I started it with the fear of how I would be able to handle another semester and its work load, internals, practicals and well, this time, I had a total of 7 papers to give. So you can imagine the relief I felt when I was told that I was being given this semester off to study, which means I have a good 3-4 months ahead in which I could study.
Weirdly, the first 3 weeks went for waste. All I did was sleep. Meanwhile, I also spent some time cooking my own food. Cooking was a helpful diversion. Then, I spent another 2-3 weeks finishing up the 2nd semester records I had left. The next one month, my 2 friends and I went about looking for a project to do for the next semester. After much searching, we finally got a favourable response from one place. We looked some more, and then settled for what we had got. We had almost 2 months ahead at this point - not quite, but almost. I started studying.
In that one month, I spent one weekend in Tirupathi with a friend and another 2 days in Chennai - it was a college trip. Spending time with some friends I had managed to make helped to clear my mind too. Once I got back, I had enough fun to be able to finally set my mind to work. I studied this time like my life depended on it, the block had finally lifted completely. While the long process of examinations went by, my friends and I had more fun. We went out to eat different types of food, spent a night in the college doing group study, I cooked a couple of times and invited friends over and they also stayed over at my place a couple of times.
At this point, I had earned my peace back again. I had also learnt to look at my problems in an out of body sort of a way. So Kanye West knew what he was saying when he said "Th-th-that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger."
Hence proved: ALL WORK AND NO PLAY does make people dull. :P
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